Additional Columns by Sherry Antonetti: "Cheer, Cheer for Old Notre Dame!" Becoming a Great Story Learning to be Unafraid to Ask The Gift of Courage Coming Home to the Wide Open Door of the Father Loaves and Fishes To Do List for the Day, Every Day Delighting in the Unexpected Immediate Intimacy of Answered Prayers Celebrating the Song of Songs on Saint Valentine's Day Forty Lenten Resolutions

Why We Don't Always Get What We Want...and Shouldn't

“How do you do it?” a woman at the Dry Cleaner asked. I have heard this question almost daily since becoming noticeably pregnant this time. Ever since I went past the magic, seemingly impossible number of 3 children, this has become almost a comedic routine I can recite upon demand.

“I can barely manage my two boys.” She says a bit wistfully. I point out that there are days when I can’t cope either and that every parent has to deal with fights. We laugh a bit and her mood turns even more thoughtful. “I would have liked to have had one more, but my husband...” she trails off. She then abruptly changes subject, “My mother had seven and I think it aged her prematurely.” I smile and point to the gray hairs on my head, “I earned every one of them.” She then asks how old I am.

“You are younger than me by four years.” she says. “I would have liked a girl, maybe one or two more....” she trails off again and finishes my transaction. As I get into the car, I am struck by how many shadow parents I have met who tell me they would have had more but for the agreement they made early in their marriage or relationship, and the sadness which haunts their words. They pine, they wish, they sigh.

Contraception is so very destructive to the whole relationship between a man and a woman in that it changes the question from “How much can we love?”and “Who are we?” to “What do I want?” with the controlling power going to the person who will accept the least. What is the least amount that I can give and satisfy –that is not what lovers ask before choosing to do for one another. Sexuality based solely on wants is exploitation, manipulative. Hence, even two people in love who are in agreement in the infancy of their relationship may find themselves at odds as one or both mature, when what they want as a couple and as individuals, changes.

Contraception ends the dialogue between a husband and a wife, between a man and a woman, it allows things to remain unchanged and unchallenged. Children are from a rational and fiscal and pragmatic stand point, ruinous of an ordered and struggle-free life. They are also a means of pulling us, the adults, the husband and wife, into greater depths of understanding of each other. We cannot be who we are called to be without struggle, any more than anyone can become a pro-level athlete without training. We understand this on a physical level, but sometimes fail to comprehend or accept that this is also true on an emotional and spiritual level.

“What do I want?” Is a question that is always changing, and never ending. For that matter, what we want changes from second to second. What we want for breakfast is not what we wanted for dinner (unless it is my 2 years old, in which case, the answer is always EGGS!) Think of gifts from birthdays and Christmas’ past. These were times of abundance, of receiving beyond what we wanted, not because of greed, but because of love, because of generosity of others spirits. We echo Christ in our giving in that Christ is beyond what any of us deserve.

The Graces of the Holy Spirit are also gifts we receive that are beyond what we even pray (ask) for, they are what we need, rather than what we want. Beloveds give each other what they need, rather than only what they want. We love our children and because we love them, we require that they do beyond what they want, that they brush their teeth, go to bed, eat their vegetables, practice their piano, do their homework and be kind to others. We require that those we love, live not simply lives of satisfaction, but lives of meaning, of value, of purpose.. We demand of each other what is best, though we love the whole person.

Should we not recognize God demands the same of all of us?

Sherry Antonetti is a mother of eight children and a freelance writer of humor and family life columns with prior publications in Absolutewrite, the Catholic Standard, Beaumont Enterprise and the Washington Post. She can be reached at Smwbmpfjm@netzero.com. You can read additional pieces from her blog, http://sherryantonettiwrites.blogspot.com.