Catholic Mom Book Spotlight

In The Beginning...There Were No Diapers: Laughing and Learning In The First Years Of Fatherhood
by Tim Bete
Paperback: 192 pages
Publisher: Ave Maria Press (April 1, 2005)

 

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For years now, I've been a huge fan of Tim Bete's writing through the format of his weekly column and now I'm thrilled to own my personal copy of Tim's new book! Tim has a sense of humor I can enjoy as a parent, and also share with my growing sons. Nothing gets past this guy...the details of day to day life are examined from a perspective of fun, enjoyment and sometimes downright silliness, which is as it should be!

Tim's brand of humor is infectious - pick up his book and you'll find your mood improved and your perspective on parenthood and family life refreshed! This is a great gift book, but purchase it for yourself as well and you'll see what I mean. I know Tim Bete will have many more books to come, so be sure to start your collection with this classic.

Great work Tim, and thanks for the smiles!  Lisa

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How I Determined the Sex of Our Baby—The Miracle of Birth
by Tim Bete

Excerpted from In The Beginning...There Were No Diapers: Laughing and Learning In The First Years Of Fatherhood by Tim Bete.

 

Parents forget they have children. It’s not that they want to forget, it’s just that kids suck an enormous amount of thinking capacity out of your brain. The result is the inability to remember your kids’ names and often if you even have kids. That’s why I’ve created the “Rate the Risk That You’re a Parent” quiz. I got the idea from Ken Pence of the Metro Nashville Police Department. Officer Pence—who is an actual police officer and not a member of the fertility police—created a great set of “Rate Your Risk” quizzes, including “Is someone going to break in and burglarize your home?” and “Are you going to be robbed, stabbed, shot, or beaten?”

When I took Officer Pence’s “Rate Your Risk of Being Murdered” quiz, I was relieved to see I will live to meet my grandchildren. My high school guidance counselor must have been familiar with the quiz because he never once asked me to consider becoming a highly paid bank executive who moonlights as a fast food/liquor store clerk in a large city in an unstable foreign country, and is a gang-member who carries more than $2,000 cash in his wallet and has recently terminated the employment of a hand-gun owner. And I thought those career aptitude tests were a bunch of hogwash. It’s clear they saved my life.

You might ask, “Isn’t it obvious that you’re a parent? You know if you have kids, don’t you?”

That’s an excellent observation since most moms and many dads were present at the birth of their children. I have a faint recollection of sitting next to a hospital bed in which my wife had complete authority over the television remote control for eighteen straight hours and I was forced to beg her to turn back to Little House on the Prairie so I could see if Michael Landon saved the neighbor girl who had fallen into a well. I even have a videotape of the experience. The episode of Little House, not the birth.

But, in my estimation, ninety-eight percent of parents forget that they have children. If you don’t believe me, just look at the kids raiding the candy bin at the local grocery store checkout and the adults pretending those kids are someone else’s progeny. My quiz will help jog your memory.

The following quiz rates the actual risk that you are a parent. The test uses known risk factors identified by adults who have been scientifically proven to have children. Don’t panic if you have a high score. It could explain why the three-year-old raiding the candy bin looks exactly like you.

Check the box of each question that applies to you.

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Is your minivan encrusted with so many Cheerios and Rice Krispies that when you hit a puddle it “snaps, crackles, and pops”?

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Does your dining room set include six wooden chairs and one tall white plastic chair with an attached tray table covered with a layer of spaghetti sauce?

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Have you been awakened in the middle of the night by a call for “a glass of water” followed two hours later by a call for “dry sheets”?

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Did the most recent video you watched include talking vegetables, a train named Thomas, or a square sponge that wears pants?

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In public places, do complete strangers come up to you and say, “God bless you! I don’t know how you do it!”

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Is every window in your home or apartment covered with fingerprints, mouthprints, and noseprints?

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Has your spouse ever asked, “Guess what your kids did!?”

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Have you yelled, “Stop making that noise!” while reading this chapter?

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Have you considered visiting your local health clinic for their $9.95 lobotomy special?
 

Score your quiz by counting the number of boxes you checked.

0—You probably aren’t a parent. Retake the quiz in nine months.

1 to 5—Either you have kids or your neighbor has a large family and you left your back door open.

6 to 9—Botta bing, botta boom—you’re a parent! You may even have more than one child. Wait until midnight and do a bed check to be sure.

After three children and many trips to the grocery store, my wife and I are as astute as CIA agents at hiding from the watchful eyes of the fertility police. And, with a record of three for three, I’ve perfected my expertise at determining the sex of a baby. But, with children, there are always new mysteries to be solved. For many of our friends with teenagers, the mysteries involve theft. That’s why I’m working on a new quiz, “Rate Your Risk of Having Your Car Keys—As Well as Your Heart—Stolen by Your Children.”

Excerpted from In The Beginning...There Were No Diapers: Laughing and Learning In The First Years Of Fatherhood by Tim Bete. Copyright 2005 by Timothy P. Bete. Used with the permission of the publisher, Sorin Books, P.O. Box 428, Notre Dame, IN 46556. www.sorinbooks.com 

 

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