Deacon Tom Fox

MOM (More On Marriage)

It is March 31st as I prepare this April column for this Catholic Mom’s site. Blessings and peace to you dear moms. My wife and I have been in prayer for you; I promise this is true. Another truth is that I searched and struggled with what to write about. I even took this to prayer. And what seems to have been put on my heart was to continue with some thoughts and ramblings on marriage. Marriage was the topic of last month’s column. It was the result of some pre-planning and collaboration with Lisa Hendey.

In that column, I wrote a couple positive images of marriage enhancement. Alas, I can also attest to any of the various problems we face in marriage. My wife Dee & I certainly haven’t had any bed of roses during our long relationship. (Thanks be to God, the four-year deacon formation program in the Archdiocese of Denver had a strong component of marriage repair and enhancement as well as strong spiritual formation. It was wonderful).  Sad to say, we have a daughter who has filed for divorce after eight years of marriage.

Have you experienced or seen marriage issues such as communication difficulties, sexual problems, physical or emotional abuse? How about marriage deterioration due to atrophy? If in your relationship – or if in family or friends going through ‘stuff,’ would you consider just starting the process of making change rather than just letting it go on?

I am certainly not an expert at this – and we deacons aren’t trained to be counselors – but I have interest in this area because I have seen such healing in my marriage. I also have been blessed to see what is possible with regard to ‘resurrection of reborn marriages.’

We have a really close deacon couple that we went through formation with back in Denver. Don and Betty went through Marriage Encounter (ME) over twenty-five years ago. We admire much of what we see in their marriage (even though they certainly are not a perfect couple at all). After learning about ME, a couple came to our parish in Colorado. Every time they came to Holy Communion, they stood side by side to receive the Eucharist. I’ve since seen this in many other Encountered couples. So my first thought to recommend is to look for Marriage Encounter weekends – either in your parish bulletin or go on-line to www.wwme.org   There is another program (in your community or nearby) for severely troubled marriages. Go to www.retrouvaille.org 

Next – I’m pleased to tell you that the U. S. Conference of Catholic Bishops has recognized the need for post-wedding marriage help for couples. If you go to www.usccb.org/laity/marriage/npim.shtml    you will find some excellent resources for marriage improvement and enrichment. One tool to share here in this column is a simple fifteen-point evaluation tool. It might be fun (or not?) to print this off, making two copies. Perhaps you and your husband would agree to do this one evening – independently answering on a 1 to 10 scoring system.

1 means I don’t think we do well on this at all; 10 says we are absolutely wonderful in this area. Then after you’ve done this profile – go through each question and discuss your ‘answers.’ Some may be great smile-makers because you whole-heartedly agree. Some may be indicators of areas to work on. Here’s the profile:

1. Shared Values                                          _____
2. Commitment to each other                       _____
3. Communication Skills                               _____
4. Conflict Resolution Skills                          _____
5. Intimacy/Sexuality                                    _____
6. Spirituality/Faith                                       _____
7. Money Management                                _____
8. Appreciation/Affection                              _____
9.Lifestyle                                                     _____
10. Recreation                                             _____
11. Decision Making                                    _____
12. Parenthood                                           _____
13. Household chores / gender differences _____
14. Careers                                                 _____
15. Balancing Time                                     _____
 (personal, marriage, parent, work)
                                                       TOTAL: _____

If you happen to know anyone who is going to get married and they are Catholic, I’d like to recommend an on-line marriage preparation course put together by a wonderful couple (originally from France). They are Christian and Christine Meert. I knew them from my work in Colorado. The Meerts have been married more than 30 years and have five children and six grandchildren. When couples physically attend or take on-line marriage preparation courses, they bring a high level of excitement about how perfect they want their marriages to be. The Meerts share that marriage skills are important but they are useless if the couple is not Christ-centered. The goal of the marriage preparation classes is to help couples build their marriage on the true and solid foundations of Christ and His Church.

As a deacon – I’ve helped couples to prepare for marriage, and those who have worked with the Meerts have said they are wonderful, caring teachers. I’m told they lead many who are even marginal in their faith practice and beliefs to a wonderful spiritual place to begin married life. You can find contact with these folks at www.catholicmarriagepreponline.com   

Lastly – and with a (wouldn’t it be nice) smile – I looked around for ‘get-away’ solutions for couples to do marriage repair and enhancement. If you’re up for a trip to England – take a look at www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/   That looked kind of fun although I don’t have any personal experience or knowledge to share. And without the smile – but continuing on the thought of ‘get-away’ ideas, I have met a few couples who get away from their lives – they go on a ‘just the two of us’ vacation – say to Colorado. And the couples start each morning with Mass and prayer before heading out for a day of hiking, bummin’ through stores or a day of reading books together in a cabin.

God love you. I have such prayerful hopes for an improvement in all of our marriages. And if we but take a few prayerful steps to do something new, Christ will bless your efforts.

Blessings!
Deacon Tom
www.deacontomonline.com

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From our Catholic Catechism:

• (Paragraph) 1660. The marriage covenant, by which a man and a woman form with each other an intimate communion of life and love, has been founded and endowed with its own special laws by the Creator. By its very nature it is ordered to the good of the couple, as well as to the generation and education of children. Christ the Lord raised marriage between the baptized to the dignity of a sacrament...
• 1661. The sacrament of Matrimony signifies the union of Christ and the Church. It gives spouses the grace to love each other with the love with which Christ has loved his Church; the grace of the sacrament thus perfects the human love of the spouses, strengthens their indissoluble unity, and sanctifies them on the way to eternal life.
• 1662. Marriage is based on the consent of the contracting parties, that is, on their will to give themselves, each to the other, mutually and definitively, in order to live a covenant of faithful and fruitful love.

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Tom Fox was ordained a Deacon in the Archdiocese of Denver. He currently lives and serves in a small, but growing mountain community in northern Arizona. Tom has received many requests for copies of his Sunday homilies and his shorter Communion Service Reflections. He is an experiential preacher who uses life and stories to share a message of today for Catholics and other Christians Many of his sermons are found on the internet – and a collection of them are found on his website: www.deacontomonline.com. Tom would love to hear from you and will try to answer any questions or sharing that you send in.