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I am like many parents in that I am more responsive to improper behavior in my children than I am to the good things they do. Unfortunately, I tend to use punishment as a deterrent and in so doing, miss many chances to teach my sons valuable lessons. Punishment and Discipline Are Different There is a significant difference between punishment and discipline. Punishment is more retribution than anything, and it is not necessarily related to the offense. Discipline, on the other hand, is about following clearly defined rules. To teach your child discipline, his inappropriate actions must be met with natural or logical consequences. This is where I have the most trouble. When I was growing up, the consequence for messing up was anything from getting a swat to being grounded from certain privileges. That is what feels "natural and logical" to me... but much of it is merely punishment. The major problem with punishment is that there is no cognitive connection with the "crime". Children do not learn "why" they should or shouldn't act a certain way or do certain things. There is no lesson being taught without that "why". At best, we are conditioning a response. Natural Consequences Occur On Their Own A natural consequence, as the name implies, is a consequence that is a natural outcome of an action or inaction. When your child is doing something improper, what would happen if you simply let it continue? Often, these are the best lessons. For example, what do you do when your child won't share his toys with a friend who is visiting? My reaction is to step in and make him share. When his behavior lapses, I follow it up with a time-out. But what if I didn't intervene? The natural consequence of not sharing one's toys is that, eventually, no one will want to play with you. Now that may seem like a harsh thing to do to a child -- let him lose a friend or two. But is it, really? If my intervention and the threat of a time-out is the only thing that makes my son share his toys (a.k.a. conditioned response), what will happen when I'm not around? Chances are good that he will end up having to learn his lesson from natural consequences anyway. Logical Consequences Are Based On Rules A logical consequence, as its name implies, is a consequence that is a logical outcome of an action or inaction. When your child is doing something improper, and there either is not an immediate natural consequence or such a consequence is dangerous, you need to decide what a logical response from you should be. For example, what do you do if your child takes her crayons and makes a beautiful mural on your living room wall? The natural consequence of such an action may not occur until such behavior is emulated on the side of a public building with a can of spray paint -- so it's not immediate enough. And obviously doing something like riding her tricycle into the street is not a lesson you want to teach through the use of a natural consequence. A logical consequence of coloring on the wall would be to lose the privilege of using crayons for a while. Perhaps they would only be available under very controlled circumstances. Keep in mind that a situation like this is not a matter of the child being destructive -- she is merely expressing her creativity. As a parent, we must take a good portion of the blame for not supervising the child more closely. In the situation where the child rides her tricycle into the street, a logical consequence would be that the tricycle gets put in the basement for a few days. As a parent, I then need to explain to her that there are a few very clear rules that must be followed when she rides her bike. If these rules are not followed, she does not get to ride her bike. Logical, right? Some Situations Require Problem-Solving Skills Unfortunately, natural or logical consequences won't always meet the needs of the particular situation. There are some times when teaching problem-solving skills to your child is the best tactic. Stepping in and helping the child correct the improper behavior through logic and reasoning can help a great deal in the long run. Our eldest son, who is four and a half, has a habit of taking toys from our youngest, who is two. My first inclination is to grab the toy and give it back to the youngest, then punish my eldest boy for grabbing the toy. No lesson learned there. What I could do instead is gently take the toy from my eldest boy and give it back to his brother. Then I would problem-solve the situation with him: "Your brother is playing with the toy that you want. What can you do? I won't let you grab it from him." If he doesn't come up with any solutions on his own, then I can suggest some to him. "You can ask your brother if he'll let you play with it." "Why not find another [car, airplane, etc.] and play with your brother?" "You could ask your brother if he'll let you play with the toy when he's done with it." Natural and logical consequences are most often the best consequences to impose on your child's improper actions. But for those instances where such consequences are not appropriate, teaching your son or daughter how to satisfy needs without taking things from someone else is a skill that he or she will use forever. Whatever the case, the goal is teach your child discipline and allow lessons to be learned that will be of benefit in the long run. Life Applications: How do you correct improper behavior: discipline or punishment? How did your parents correct your improper behavior? Why does our society seem to lean towards punishment instead of discipline? Copyright 2002 by Brandon Jubar
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