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Not on the Same Page (Part I)
It’s no secret that husbands and wives sometimes disagree. And with the ever
widening gap between Catholic teaching and our cultural attitudes towards
sex, marriage and family planning it should be so surprise that Catholics –
particularly those married to non-Catholics - frequently find themselves
deeply at odds with their spouses over these issues. These are difficult
disagreements, especially when one feels as though she must choose between
pleasing God and pleasing her spouse.
A friend of mine once wrote about approaching all decisions – big or small –
while looking through her ‘Vocation Goggles’. I picture these as looking
sort of like binoculars and working by allowing me to see my relationships
and commitments sorted by priority.
My first priority - my most important relationship – is that I am a child of
God and a professed Roman Catholic. As such, I believe that the Catholic
Church teaches the truth and that “the Roman Pontiff and the bishops are
‘authentic teachers, that is, endowed with the authority of Christ, who
preach the faith to be believed and put into practice’” (Catechism of the
Catholic Church 2034). When I look through my vocations goggles, then, I
can see that no matter what the consequences, I must obey God’s laws as
expressed in the official teachings of the Catholic Church. Husbands and
wives are to love each other as Christ loves each of us, but since all human
love is a reflection of God’s love, we cannot really love anyone unless we
love and obey God first.
My second priority is my vocation as a married person. Note that my vocation
is NOT to be a mother. Children are the fruit of marriage for “by its very
nature the institution of marriage and married love is ordered to the
procreation and education of the offspring and it is in them it finds its
crowing glory” (Catechism of the Catholic Church 1652), but the
marital relationship must come first and, just as a tree will not bear
healthy fruit unless it is fed and watered, my love for my husband and my
commitment to feeding and watering our marriage must be second only to my
love for and obedience to God.
Facing disagreements with a spouse about family planning comes down to
keeping these priorities in their proper order. These struggles seem to fall
into two general categories – disagreement over the number and spacing of
the couple’s children and disagreement over how to space or limit the number
their children. I will address the issue of disagreeing over the number or
spacing of children in my next column, so for now let’s just look at how to
proceed when one’s spouse disagrees over the necessity of using NFP - and
only NFP - when pregnancy is not desired.
Harmony within marriage is good – very good – but, as the saying goes, the
end does not justify the means. Or, as the Church puts it, “an evil end
corrupts the action, even if the object is good in itself . . . one may not
do evil that good may result from it” (Catechism of the Catholic Church
1755-1756). Contraception and sterilization are always evil and so it is
never acceptable for me to cooperate with either even if refusing to do so
causes a great deal of disharmony in my marriage.
Likewise I am never obligated to use contraception or agree to sterilization
out of obedience or in submission to my husband. Without discussing the
issue of submission in marriage in any detail, it is enough to note that no
authority can ever be higher than God and we are never obligated to obey
anyone who instructs us to disobey God or His Church.
Ideally a Catholic’s obligation to use only NFP to avoid pregnancy would be
something discussed, understood and agreed upon before the couple was
married – while there was still time to call off the wedding if it became
obvious that remaining faithful to Church teaching and marrying this
particular person would be incompatible. In reality, however, it often
happens that people marry and then experience a conversion some years later,
either to Catholicism from another faith or to a fully-lived Catholic faith
from one that was less serious. Conversions are always difficult and
converting to whole-hearted acceptance of the Church’s teachings on sex and
family planning is no different.
Here are 5 suggestions
for easing the conversion to NFP:
- First, last and
always - pray. Seek the intercession of St. Joseph and of our Blessed
Mother. Pray for yourself as well as your husband and ask for humility,
for courage, for wisdom and for patience and tenderness towards him. Have
faith that whatever you suffer in obeying God, He can use to transform the
hearts and lives of the people you love - especially those of your spouse.
- Take your spouse's
concerns seriously. It is normal to be uncertain about something new
and to have concerns about whether NFP will be effective, whether the
abstinence will be too difficult, etc. Let your husband know that he is
welcome to express his concerns and that you and he will investigate them
together. Suggest attending an NFP class or meeting with a certified NFP
instructor and make sure he knows that he can ask as many ‘tough’
questions as he would like (Don't worry, NFP teachers are very used to
answering these kinds of questions).
- Show him how much
you love him. If the abstinence is a concern for your husband do
everything in your power to make him feel loved and attended to and cared
for in non - sexual ways during the times when abstinence is necessary -
hire a babysitter and take him out to dinner at his favorite restaurant,
rent his favorite movie (even if you hate it), cook his favorite dinner
(ditto), give him a back rub (in the kitchen if necessary to avoid undue
temptation), ask him about his job or his hobby or whatever you know he
would like to talk about and really listen while he talks. And
then, when the time of abstinence ends, make intimacy your top priority
and be available as often as he is interested. In other words, love him
selflessly, the way God loves him, and expect that love to open his heart
to God’s grace in a way that nothing else can.
- Keep discussions of
WHETHER to avoid having another child and HOW to avoid having another
child completely separate. It can be very tempting to 'sell' NFP by
saying something like, 'But I really wouldn’t mind if we had
another baby' or, ‘What’s the worst that could happen? Another baby
wouldn’t be so bad, would it?’ But if your husband is concerned about the
effectiveness of NFP, he needs to know that he can trust you to take his
need to avoid pregnancy seriously and do your part to make NFP work. Make
sure he knows that you understand how important it is to him not to have
another child and that even if you don’t agree, you will respect his
wishes.
- If necessary, seek
professional help. Hesitancy, concerns, anxiety and questions are
normal when one spouse is convinced that NFP is the only morally
acceptable option and the other is not, but outright refusal to discuss
NFP, hurtful sarcasm, derision or coercive insistence on the continued use
of contraceptives are neither normal nor healthy. There is something very
wrong in a marriage where one’s beliefs are not respected or where one is
not free to say, 'no' to sexual relations for a week or so each month and
if you find yourself in either of these situations marriage counseling is
definitely called for (an excellent resource for marriage counseling, by
telephone, that is completely faithful to the Church's teachings can be
found at
http://www.exceptionalmarriages.com/services.htm ).
And if despite your best efforts and all of
the above suggestions you cannot reach an agreement? Well, this remains one
of the most difficult and painful marital situations that there is and there
is no easy answer. A Catholic does not sin in continuing to have marital
relations with a spouse who demands contraceptives provided that the
Catholic does not in any way condone or cooperate with their use. That is, a
Catholic may never take the pill, insert a diaphragm or allow herself to be
sterilized in response to her husband’s demands, but if he insists on
wearing a condom each time they are intimate or is sterilized himself over
her clear, consistent objections then she is not morally responsible for his
actions. But one is also not morally obligated to continue to have marital
relations under these conditions. As Christopher West explains in his book,
Good News About Sex and Marriage; "Various consequences of [refusing
marital relations if a contraceptive is used] need to weighed, but forcing a
spouse to cooperate in objectively sinful behavior is abusive, and you are
in no way obligated to submit to it. Out of concern for yourself, and him,
you may want to know that you are not available to be treated as a thing for
his sexual 'relief', all the while loving your husband and helping to
experience a change of heart" (p. 129).
May Divine Truth enlighten all of our hearts and enliven all of our
marriages!
For additional "cyber-support" you are also most welcome to join in the
discussions in the Catholic Mom Community's NFP Forum -
http://p205.ezboard.com/fcatholicmomcommunityfrm63
 Looking for more
information on Natural Family Planning?
Visit our Natural Family Planning Resource Center.
copyright 2004 Sara
Fox Peterson
Sara Fox Peterson is a
stay-at-home mom and certified teacher of the
Billings Ovulation Method of Natural Family Planning. She holds a BS in
biology and an MS in human physiology, both from Georgetown University, and
lives in Maryland with her husband and two sons.
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