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Archived Catholic Natural Family Planning Columns from Sara Fox Peterson:

Not on the Same Page (Part I)
The People Who Actually Do This
Sweetness and Light
Freeing Our Consciences
What if It's Too Late?
What's the Difference
Medical Exceptions
Waiting
Fear Not - Five Resolutions for a New Year
An Open Question
Catholic Contraception?
Contraception, Lies and the Truth
Natural Family Planning - Why Not?

Sara can be contacted by email at sfp@thosepetersons.com - please indicate "NFP" in the subject line of your email.

What is NFP?

Every fertile woman experiences recurring signs of her fertility. Natural Family Planning (NFP) teaches a woman to recognize and record these signs so that spouses can identify the days in each cycle when conception can occur and plan the timing of their marital relations according to their desire either to avoid or achieve pregnancy.

Looking for more information on Natural Family Planning?  Visit our Natural Family Planning Resource Center.

Natural Family Planning Method Comparison - a comprehensive comparison of natural family planning methods 

Not on the Same Page (Part II)
by Sara Fox Peterson

Read Part I of this article 

“I would love another baby, but my husband thinks two (or four or nine) is enough. How can I change his mind?”

“I am overwhelmed caring for the children we already have, but my husband thinks I am being selfish (or faithless or lazy) and pesters me (or sulks or complains) every time I am fertile and want to abstain.”

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard comments like these and while disagreements over whether (or when) to have another child are not usually as difficult as disagreements over whether to use NFP or contraception (see Part I) when pregnancy is not desired, they are nonetheless a significant source of tension for some couples. Fortunately, however, my handy-dandy Vocations Goggles are useful for looking at these sorts of disagreements as well.

Let’s quickly review what I see when I look through my Vocations Goggles:

First I see that as a baptized Catholic my primary, top-of-the-heap responsibility is to love, serve and obey God, to pursue holiness in whatever I do and to live my life on earth in such a way that when it is over, I may spend eternity as a member of the communion of saints in heaven.

Secondly I see my commitment to my vocation as a Catholic wife and that as such I must be mindful of the two, equally important, purposes of marriage; “the good of the spouses themselves and the transmission of life.” (Catechism of the Catholic Church 2363) And, as mentioned in my last column as well, please note that my vocation is to marriage not to motherhood. The procreation and education of children is a right, a duty and a special privilege of marriage, but it is not the whole purpose of Christian marriage. The call to actively, selflessly seek the good of one’s spouse is just as important as (and really inseparable from) the call to generous, responsible parenthood.

So, mindful of these priorities, recall that in any family planning decision we are supposed to seek God’s will and not simply consider our own feelings on the matter. How do we do this? First, we heed the official teachings of His Catholic Church. The Church teaches that contraception and sterilization are always “intrinsically evil” (Catechism of the Catholic Church 2370) and so it could never be God’s will for us to use them.

Second, we make frequent use of the means God has provided for us to obtain grace; we receive the Eucharist and the sacrament of reconciliation frequently, we pray daily and we make time to continue to learn about and grow in our faith.

Third, we make use of our intelligence and reason. The Church gives us solid guidelines; we are told that “married couples should regard it as their proper mission to transmit human life and to educate their children.” And that, “for just reasons, spouses may wish to space the births of their children,” but, “it is their duty to make certain that their desire is not motivated by selfishness.” (Catechism of the Catholic Church 2367-2368) And, that in planning our families husbands and wives are to "thoroughly take into account both their own welfare and that of their children, those already born and those which may be foreseen. For this accounting they will reckon with the spiritual condition of the times as well as their state of life. Finally, they will consult the interests of the family group, of temporal society, and of the Church herself." (Gaudium et Spes) But there is not (and never will be) any official Church teaching on how many children is the ‘ideal’ family size, there is no official Catholic list of what constitutes a “just” reason to avoid pregnancy  and only “the married partners themselves should make this judgment in the sight of God.” (Gaudium et Spes; emphasis mine)

Ideally, spouses would go through this discernment process together and reach similar conclusions, but sometimes this does not happen (for various reasons) and in these cases we must not forget that seeking the good of one’s spouse is just as important a duty as bearing and raising children. Even if I am completely convinced that it is God’s will for my husband and I to do nothing to postpone or avoid pregnancy, if my husband does not agree, then the right thing to do is to continue to carefully and consistently  use NFP to postpone a pregnancy until we are in agreement. Moreover, women bear special responsibility in this regard because NFP is largely dependent on our observations

Why should a spouse’s objection trump a conviction that God wishes to bless us with another child? Because, especially for those who are married to non-Catholics or whose spouses are unconvinced about the absolute immorality of contraception, failure to respect one’s spouse’s desire to avoid pregnancy can have disastrous marital and spiritual consequences (feeling betrayed or disrespected, the belief that NFP is unreliable or unrealistic and increased temptations to contraception or sterilization), and God would never will for anyone to deliberately lead his or her spouse into temptation. Likewise, as I mentioned in my last column, something is very wrong in a marriage where one is never free to say ‘no’ to sexual relations, so if the pressure not to abstain during the fertile times is really pressure never to abstain at all, marriage counseling is probably called for.

Couples using NFP to avoid pregnancy are extremely unlikely to conceive if they 1) learn NFP from a certified teacher, 2) keep an accurate, complete chart every day and 3) always follow all of the rules for avoiding pregnancy. Some couples choose not to do one or more of these things or to do them sometimes and not others and this is fine, but they need to acknowledge that it does increase the chance that they will conceive and be honest with themselves and with each other about this. There seems to be a strong tendency for couples to use NFP to exactly the same degree as their reasons to avoid pregnancy are truly serious and I think this is a part of how NFP encourages us to remain open to life, but it is very, very important that both husband and wife know exactly what they are doing when they cut a corner or ‘bend’ the rules.

It is also vitally important, however, that both spouses be mindful of the fact that every act of intercourse carries with it the possibility of conception and that nothing we do (not NFP, not contraception, not even sterilization) will change this. A couple who believes that it is not God’s will for them to have another child at present cooperate with God and do what is right by using NFP to avoid pregnancy. But if they conceive despite their best efforts not to, they can then trust that God is telling them, in no uncertain terms, that avoiding pregnancy is no longer His will for them. It doesn't mean that they necessarily did anything wrong in their use of NFP or even that they incorrectly discerned God's will when they determined that they ought to avoid pregnancy. It simply means that right then God is asking them to accept one more child . . . right then.

It is also good to remember that because one of the primary purposes of marriage is the procreation and education of children, any time either husband or wife believes that there is a serious reason to avoid pregnancy, both ought to take a good look at their life together and consider whether anything could be changed so that they could again be ready to welcome another child. In fact, this is one of the best ways to resolve a difference of opinion over whether to continue to avoid pregnancy or not. If I believe God is calling us to have another child but my husband does not, asking him what would need to change in order for him to feel differently – and then doing whatever I can to make those changes happen - is a great way to respect his position without compromising mine.

Finally, all of us should remember that only God knows the whole of His plan for us and that He often doesn’t let us know what He wants us to do until it is time to do it. Therefore, even when we are in a situation where we believe that we must avoid pregnancy, our attitude should always be one of, ‘not now . . . but not never.’

copyright 2005 Sara Fox Peterson

For additional "cyber-support" you are also most welcome to join in the discussions in the Catholic Mom Community's NFP Forum - http://p205.ezboard.com/fcatholicmomcommunityfrm63
 

Looking for more information on Natural Family Planning?  Visit our Natural Family Planning Resource Center.

Sara Fox Peterson is a stay-at-home mom and certified teacher of the Billings Ovulation Method of Natural Family Planning.  She holds a BS in biology and an MS in human physiology, both from Georgetown University, and lives in Maryland with her husband and two sons.
 

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