I write this article with more freedom than ever before, because I am doing it anonymously, giving me freedom I have never known in my years of blogging and freelancing for a newspaper.
I am the girl who you sit next to in church with her growing family making their best attempt to keep growing youth clean and still for a whole hour. All you may see is wiggling bodies, little souls making people smile, causing their parents to break all kinds of commandments internally with their predictable childish behaviors breaking through.
I am the girl you see carefully keeping an eye on her kids at the park, making chit chat with a girlfriend at Chick-Fil-a for a few hours to let the rambunctious hooligans get rid of some pint up energy.
I am the girl with a blog, that writes about all the fun outings, funky art projects, and gross "surprises" that motherhood brings your way.
I am the girl next to you on the elliptical just trying to burn a few extra calories so that extra 10 pounds can somehow go away.
But what you may never see when you see me is that I am lonely. I am hurt. I am so confused how I got to where I am, a few years and kids in to a marriage with a person who has never really taken on the reigns and left me feeling emotionally and physically ALONE in the world.
Most of his issues are so obviously rooted in a childhood full of hurt, neglect, pain and parents who were still discovering what it meant to be an adult and did not put their own troubles aside for the good of their children.
But after years of me finding excuses for my husbands addictions and absentee nature I am exhausted and have decided we MUST get to the root of the problem for my mental well being.
The marriage sacrament is something I took very seriously and I see the problems we have now as "the bad" we pledged to love each other through on our wedding day.
My challenge to fellow readers identifying with what I am sharing is to pray first, decide on a plan of action, then take a stand for yourself and get to the root of the problem.
Suspected infidelity, alcoholism and other addictive tendencies, putting work a head of family, and major parenting differences are some of the things that I have had to deal with in less than 5 years of marriage. I know I am not alone but the gravity of each of the issues coupled with a serious health scare in the midst of his soul searching in our relationship has changed me. Yes, it has made me stronger but honestly most days I just feel bitter. Yes, I run to Jesus and ask for help, pray for strength, and try to be the wife he wants, but I have learned that the wife he wants is not always the wife he needs.
My struggle has been to keep up appearances and stay strong for my children. I was able to do it for a long time and just recently I lost the ability to "have it all together." When I am challenged by him I feel like I am reaching into an empty bucket, my very essence is fragile and in seconds I can be brought to tears and every emotion courses through my body.
My options are few. Give him the time he needs to get himself together and seek counsel or get out. The first is the only real option for me. I am sticking to my guns and believe that what I am going through is just a test in the fiery furnace and we will come out a happy, fulfilled couple with a bright future. If you are still reading, pray for me and leave a comment with what is in your heart today. I will read it and pray for you! I felt called to write this and hope I am connecting with someone out there.
These words have been my guide...in your marriage be the first to "seek peace and pursue it." 1 Peter 3:11. May we all be given the tools necessary to seek peace in our lives!
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