Have you ever been wrapped up in yourself and desperately wanted to get out of it?
Have you ever stepped outside yourself, took an objective look at the state of things, emotions, life's reality and thought, "Geez, I wish I could get out of this funk?"
Yep - I have been there. For like a month I've been there. Wrapped up in self. Wondering the 'where's mine'. Frustrated over petty persecutions, angry at emotional reactions...and feeding oneself on my own emotions.
Ugh. It stinks to see it, and not know how to pull out of it.
And then I did something for someone else. I put delicate care, time and energy into a selfless act for a stranger. It did something amazing. It showed me something so valuable....that I am so blessed, and that life is too short, too precious to waste on my own frivolous complaints.
When we do for others we are forced to step outside of ourselves, it forces us to tend to someone else, and forget the selfishness we have become so accustomed to. Helping others takes our gaze off the mirror.
And that's a good thing. I think sometimes looking inward and keeping track all the time is slacking off in the virtue department. I have been slacking. I admit it. Hyper sensitive, over reacting and losing my sense of self. Ugh. It makes me no better than secularists of our time.
It's a trait for women. We are fulfilled when we serve. It's just in us, though radical feminists would disagree - we do find our true self in giving to others, serving their needs, and bringing peace. As a mother, it's in us to meet the needs of those around us. So, it's no wonder, I have found inner conflict with the self-serving behavior I have succumbed to.
If I had consumed myself with what God truly wanted from me, tending to others, fulfilling their needs and less of my own, there wouldn't be time to think of myself. There isn't time enough to concentrate on all the ways I have been wronged. There wouldn't be enough strength in me, to count how many times this person or that one, slandered me, or accused me.
And in knowing and believing that God made our great universe, with time constraints and all then He really does know what He is doing, when He tells us to feed his sheep. We should be so busy feeding the sheep that there isn't anything left for ourselves to make issue of.
We should be concerned with their well being so much so, that we forget ourselves, forget to tend to our own ego, forget to feel slighted or injured. If we focus on what is truly important, in a supernatural sense, what's important in life, then all else fades away.
And what is truly important? Today, I saw the needs of someone else. And they were greater than mine. Someone else's needs should take precedent over mine. God has blessed me abundantly, over and again, too many times to count.
I take a look around me. And when life is comfortable, when life makes good sense, when we are happy, healthy and secure - then, I fight it. Something should be wrong here. Find it. Find the wrong. No one deserves such a grand life.
When others can't conceive, or lose the life within them. When others can't make their house payment. When others struggle for peace and joy. When relationships are broken. When families are fractured........
And then, tears brim in my eyes, and there is a shame like no other. How can I complain when I have been given so much. How can I keep looking for mine, when others hurt so deeply.
Now, this is the same mentality that our society is bursting with. The entitlement. The 'where's mine'. We are a nation of self service.
And this mentality can seep into my own home as well. I wasn't doing for others. I was coping. I was sliding by, but the real time and attention went to my ego, no one else, just me. I have been bruised! Do you see it! God has given me everything, and I see it's not enough!
How arrogant of me. How disappointed is my gift-giver, that I can't see beyond my own bruises and see and appreciate the bigger picture. How can I see others suffering if I am consumed with my own. How can I reach out to those in pain or need if I only bury my head in my own wallowing....self serving despair.
Oh, how the truth can hit us like a freight train!
But I am not that scared little girl of years past. I am unafraid of the bruises. Bring it on. Now I can see you, you ugly, ugly ego. Get behind me. I have real wounds to deal with, and they are not my own.
I trust someone else will look out for me. I trust someone else will have my back....will heal the hurts, fix the pain, will set the record straight. It's not my job to do for me.
In doing this simple act for another, God used it to open my eyes, my heart and slapped some sense into me. Where have I been? and Where am I going?
I can see it now. And I won't run away, hide in my misery. I will confront. I will say what needs to be said, and let the chips fall where they may. I am a grown woman now....and the acts of a little girl are long gone. I have a blessed life, yes, but that never entitles me to look for the other shoe to drop. That's living without hope.
If our lives take a tragic shift in direction, if God wants us to suffer, then and only then, will I deal with life's real suffering. And I hope and pray that I might rise to that occasion with the grace and dignity God expects. Perhaps He is trying me, wanting to ready me for something grander and supernaturally greater than these little sufferings I am in.
Ok, Lord, I get it. Give you more. I get it. Give me less. Okay, I'm ready.
Copyright 2012 Sahmatwork
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