--- title: "The Scrupulous Mother: Symptoms and Suggestions" description: Do you wish you weren’t plagued by so many doubts and compulsive attempts to be the perfect parent? Rhonda Ortiz presents the signals of scrupulous parenting and some tips to conquer scruples. --- [![catholic-mom-logo-v2](https://www.catholicmom.com/hubfs/_catholicmom/images/catholic-mom-logo-v2.svg "catholic-mom-logo-v2")](https://www.catholicmom.com/) [![facebook](https://www.catholicmom.com/hubfs/_catholicmom/icons/social-icon-facebook.svg)](http://www.facebook.com/CatholicMomCommunity) [![twitter](https://www.catholicmom.com/hubfs/_catholicmom/icons/social-icon-twitter.svg)](http://twitter.com/CatholicMomCom) [![instagram](https://www.catholicmom.com/hubfs/_catholicmom/icons/social-icon-instagram.svg)](http://instagram.com/catholicmomcommunity) [![youtube](https://www.catholicmom.com/hubfs/_catholicmom/icons/social-icon-youtube.svg)](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAuUqHCVPDzyMgSMaMZxxug?view_as=subscriber) [![search-icon](https://www.catholicmom.com/hubfs/_catholicmom/icons/search-icon.svg)](https://www.catholicmom.com/articles/2016/05/24/scrupulous-mother-symptoms-suggestions#) # The Scrupulous Mother: Symptoms and Suggestions May 24, 2016 8:00:00 AM  |  by [Guest](https://www.catholicmom.com/articles/author/guest) Do you obsessively worry about your parenting prowess? Do you constantly second-guess your decisions? Do you envy others in their “chill” approach to parenting? Do you wish you weren’t plagued by so many doubts and compulsive attempts to *be the perfect parent*? If so, you might be experiencing scrupulosity. [Welcome to the club!](http://www.rhondaortiz.com/?category=Scruples+%2526+Anxiety) What is a scruple? St. Alphonsus Liguori explains in his book *Moral Theology *that **a conscience is scrupulous when, for a frivolous reason and without rational basis, there is a frequent fear of sin even though in reality there is no sin at all. ** **A scruple is a defective understanding of something.** A scruple is when you look at your actions and think: “That’s sinful. Was I sinful in doing that? Should I confess it? I think it must be mortal sin! What would Dr. Guru do? Or the other Dr. Guru? Maybe I should sign Junior up for Underwater Ballet lessons—that would make everything better…” …whereas other people think: “That’s not a sin! You’re exaggerating its significance! It’s morally neutral! You’re doing the best you can, honey! Let up on yourself! Your kid is going to be *fine.* Bless your heart, but you need to look up the definition of mortal sin again.” ![Photo via Shutterstock, standard license.](https://www.catholicmom.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Imported_Blog_Media/shutterstock_296711729-1000x516.jpg?width=702&height=362&name=shutterstock_296711729-1000x516.jpg) Photo via Shutterstock, standard license. We scrupulous people are overly sensitive about the minutiae of both religious practice and a broad spectrum of issues that are not explicitly religious, such as parenting. Scrupulous people tend to blow minor, everyday occurrences way out of proportion. We also often do not find reassurance through normal means, such as the Sacraments. It’s as though a veneer of guilt overlays our every thought, word, and action. Sometimes scruples occur as a byproduct of a conversion experience or a when we experience something that makes us more deeply aware of our faith. Becoming a parent would be one of these experiences. At other times, people experience scruples when they are part of a faith community or social group where a strong message of fear and perfectionism is conveyed, consciously or not. And sometimes, in more extreme cases, scrupulosity is a manifestation of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Those whose experience of life is one of constant worry, doubt, and fear very often have an underlying mental health issue and should seek professional help. **Given how near and dear our mothering vocation is to us, it’s not surprising that we might experience scruples about our parenting.** That we’re too often afraid of messing up our children, that we obsess about being a perfect mother, that we rarely feel peace in our parenting—these are signs of scrupulosity. Symptoms might include: - **Obsessive worry that something wasn’t done right:** for example, checking and rechecking (and rechecking) to make sure your kids are buckled into their car seats, or having your child go through his homework multiple times to make sure every answer is correct. - **Obsessive worry about cleanliness.** This could include compulsive cleaning, compulsive hand washing, or unnecessarily keeping your kids home from school or playdates when there’s a slight risk of them catching an illness. - **Obsessive slowness: **taking an excessive amount of time for routine tasks because of worry that they’re not done correctly. You might do this when preparing meals, cleaning house, fixing your child’s hair, etc. - **Obsessive worry about sinning and/or “messing up” through acts of commission or omission.** Related behaviors could include compulsive apologizing to your spouse or children for minor peccadilloes, apologizing to a child for punishing her (even when justified), or feeling guilty that you’ve neglected a child due to day-to-day distractions and then trying to make up for this seeming neglect by hovering. - **Obsessive rumination**: when worries, guilt, doubt, and horrible thoughts roll over and over in your mind. - **Obstinacy of judgment and/or frequent changes in judgment for frivolous reasons.** With regards parenting, sometimes we see obstinacy of judgment when, despite others’ advice and warning, we hold to some parenting ideal or method even though it’s causing harm to the child.  Waffling, on the other hand, can happen when we seek parenting advice from anyone and everyone and then cannot make a decision because we’re afraid or overwhelmed by the sheer number of options. Remedies for these behaviors, following St. Alphonsus Liguori’s advice: [Tweet "Allow Mary to love you in your mothering."] - **Cultivate trust in God “vehemently.” **St. Alphonsus says this is the most important thing to do in this situation. Meditate frequently on God’s love and promise of redemption (my [*Scripture for the Scrupulous*](http://www.rhondaortiz.com/scripture-for-the-scrupulous-newsletter) guided meditations are one resource) and entrust yourself to God through the person of your spiritual director. - **Remember that gentleness is a fruit of the Holy Spirit** (cf. Galatians 5:22-23). Learning to be gentle with yourself as well as others is a virtue. Leaning entirely on God's mercy is what makes us holy, not our perfect performance and unreasonable expectations. Let us be gentle with ourselves as He is gentle with us. God loves you and believes in you. He believes in you so much, in fact, that he gave you children! He knows we can’t do everything perfectly. He knows we’ll make mistakes. He knows our limits better than we do ourselves. This is where grace comes in—God can write straight with crooked lines, right? Be at peace. He’s in charge, loving our children (and us) beyond our imagining. *Copyright 2016 Rhonda Ortiz* ### Share this article [![Share on Facebook](https://static.hubspot.com/final/img/common/icons/social/facebook-24x24.png)](http://www.facebook.com/share.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.catholicmom.com%2Farticles%2F2016%2F05%2F24%2Fscrupulous-mother-symptoms-suggestions%3Futm_medium%3Dsocial%26utm_source%3Dfacebook) [![Share on Twitter](https://static.hubspot.com/final/img/common/icons/social/twitter-24x24.png)](https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?original_referer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.catholicmom.com%2Farticles%2F2016%2F05%2F24%2Fscrupulous-mother-symptoms-suggestions%3Futm_medium%3Dsocial%26utm_source%3Dtwitter&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.catholicmom.com%2Farticles%2F2016%2F05%2F24%2Fscrupulous-mother-symptoms-suggestions%3Futm_medium%3Dsocial%26utm_source%3Dtwitter&source=tweetbutton&text=The%20Scrupulous%20Mother%3A%20Symptoms%20and%20Suggestions) [![Share on Email](https://static.hubspot.com/final/img/common/icons/social/email-24x24.png)](mailto:?subject=Check%20out%20https%3A%2F%2Fwww.catholicmom.com%2Farticles%2F2016%2F05%2F24%2Fscrupulous-mother-symptoms-suggestions%3Futm_medium%3Dsocial%26utm_source%3Demail%20&body=Check%20out%20https%3A%2F%2Fwww.catholicmom.com%2Farticles%2F2016%2F05%2F24%2Fscrupulous-mother-symptoms-suggestions%3Futm_medium%3Dsocial%26utm_source%3Demail) ** #### About the Author ![Guest](https://www.catholicmom.com/hubfs/Profile%203.jpg) ### [Guest](https://www.catholicmom.com/articles/author/guest) We welcome guest contributors who graciously volunteer their writing for our readers. 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