5 Ways to Suffer Well

Can’t seem to escape suffering in your life? Laura Range offers ways we (and our children) can navigate inevitable hardship with grace. 

When I was pregnant with my third child, I went on a mothers' retreat organized and run by a vibrant community of faith-filled nuns (yes! Those still exist!). Although the whole weekend was full of inspiration and fellowship with a couple hundred other mamas as well as the many Dominican sisters in their white habits, there is one talk in particular that comes to mind even after several years. 

It was a talk on suffering. "Teach your children to suffer well," began the gentle Southern voice of Sr. Joseph Andrew. An uncomfortable thought, for what mother wants to see her child suffer? At the time, I had a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old and my baby in the womb. The last thing I wanted to do was to teach them to suffer well—I wanted to prevent and eliminate any possible suffering for them! Yet as Sister continued on, her words planted seeds in my soul.

"Suffering is inevitable in your lives and your children's," she said. "If you do not teach them how to suffer well, how will they find the peace and comfort of Christ when you are no longer able to alleviate or prevent their suffering, when their boo-boos are too big for a mama to heal?" Many of you veteran moms already know this truth, but this was somewhat of a new concept to me at the time. 

I gave birth to that third child a few months later and had emergency surgery when he was a week old. A couple months after that, my daughter was diagnosed with a rare neurological disorder. Since then, we've encountered various other forms and seasons of suffering in our family and I have realized ever more the wisdom in Sister's words and in the Church's teachings on the theology of suffering, particularly in a world that too often distracts, suppresses, or runs away from suffering at all costs. 

So how do we suffer well? And how do we teach our children to do so? Here are a few ways I'm learning (with many failures in between!) to follow in the footsteps of Jesus in taking up the crosses that come along and to coach my children to do the same.  

Acknowledge the suffering.

It's okay to say "this is hard" and "this hurts, especially to God in prayer. Too often we think that suffering well means minimizing our suffering or ignoring it. During Christ's agony in the garden of Gethsemane, Jesus sweat drops of blood as He contemplated His suffering. He acknowledged it openly and discussed it with His Father in prayer, even asking that God would take away the suffering if it be His will yet ultimately accepting it.

For children: Acknowledge your child's suffering instead of minimizing it. This doesn't mean you have to lament with loud wails (because they probably will already be doing that!) but you can calmly and compassionately give them a hug and say "that really hurts, doesn't it? I'm sorry."

Don't immediately seek material comfort or distraction.

Too often we want to immediately numb or pacify our pain by watching a show, eating a bowl of ice cream, or venting to a friend. While all of these can have their proper place and even be useful to distract us from dwelling on negative thoughts and emotions, suppressing or ignoring our suffering doesn't get rid of it, nor does it offer us the space to be open to the ultimate comfort Jesus offers us when we bring our suffering to Him.

For children: Sometimes it feels easier to hand our child a snack, toy, or screen than to pause and listen to what's going on and truly discern the deeper need. By giving them our full attention instead of a cheap distraction, we mirror to them the attention of our Heavenly Father and His merciful love.

Choose an eternal perspective.

I often get tunnel vision when I'm going through something difficult. It's hard for me to see beyond it and it feels like the suffering will last forever. Sometimes I find it hard to look for the blessings and joys on hard days. Yet when I say "Lord, I want to see" (Luke 18:41), God gives me a wider lens with which to view my suffering or that of my children. An eternal perspective helps us remember that God is with us in our suffering, there are many others throughout the community and the world enduring sufferings, and our suffering is not in vain. As Jesus carried the cross, He looked beyond His own pain to speak with the women of Jerusalem, the Good Thief on the other cross. He also knew His suffering had purpose and meaning beyond what could be seen with earthly eyes.

For children: Gently help your child have a heavenly perspective by reminding them of others who are currently suffering (the homeless, children in hospitals) and those who have suffered well in the past (saints and martyrs). Pray as a family for those who lack the blessings you've been given (food, community and friendship, general health).

Unite your suffering to Jesus and offer it for a specific intention.

Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I am filling up what is lacking in the afflictions of Christ on behalf of his body, which is the church. (Colossians 1:24)

As Catholics, we understand this verse as redemptive suffering, that Jesus allows us to unite our sufferings to His and that He will use that suffering in powerful ways that can bring grace to other souls throughout the world. Though we can simply offer our sufferings to Him through prayer in general ("Jesus, I offer you this struggle or pain I'm having for those most in need"), sometimes it helps to ask Him to use your suffering for a specific person or purpose (the conversion of someone in your family, healing of a relationship, a struggling child).

For children: When your child is struggling, ask them if they would like to offer it up for a specific intention and let them know how powerful their sufferings can be as an offering for that person or situation.

Trust that God will bring good from it.

Scripture promises that for those who love God, He will work everything in our lives for good (Romans 8:28). It often takes hindsight or an eternal perspective to see this, but it's a truth we can hold on to. Sometimes it looks exactly like we were hoping for—a mended relationship, healing of an illness, a desired outcome. But often it looks more like the deep soul-work of God cultivating endurance, wisdom, healing, and virtue in our hearts, molding us more into the people He created us to be. Either way, when we entrust ourselves and our situations to His loving hands, we can find peace and freedom knowing He is at work for our good and we can let go of the stress of trying to control or fix things on our own.

For children: If you have an older child or teen, look back with them at times in their lives when they were struggling and talk about how God brought good from it, whether it was an answered prayer in the way they desired or if it looked a little different than they anticipated but it made them grow stronger in grace or wisdom or virtue.

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When we entrust ourselves and our situations to God's loving hands, we can find peace and freedom knowing He is at work for our good. #CatholicMom

No one likes to suffer. Even when I follow these steps of suffering well to the best of my ability, I don't magically enjoy the crosses in my life, and it still breaks my heart when I see my kids suffer. But we can experience a deep peace and consolation when we accept and even embrace the suffering God has allowed into our lives and our children's lives rather than resisting or resenting it. We are consoled and comforted when we trust in His ultimate plan and see the ways He has brought good from past suffering. By following His footsteps in the Way of the Cross, Jesus will lead us and our children to resurrection and new life, and someday to our true home where suffering will be no more. 

Therefore, we are not discouraged; rather, although our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this momentary light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to what is seen but to what is unseen; for what is seen is transitory, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

Copyright 2023 Laura Range
Images: Canva