7 Ways to Be Better Listeners to Our Teens

Tami Kiser offers tips for parents who want to improve communication with their teenagers.

As parents of teens, sometimes we feel like our times of getting to talk to them is so limited. We feel as if we’ve got to impart all our wisdom in some short conversation bits that we get between breakfast inhales and short car rides. But here’s the ironic part of all of this: if we want the chance to speak more to our teens, we’ve got to learn to be better listeners. I know. It sounds counterintuitive, but it’s just one of those paradoxes of parenting. Listen in order to be heard.  

Here are 7 ways that you can practice to become a better listener to your teen:  

Be fully present when you listen.

Act as if this is the most important piece of information that you will listen to that day. (And it just might be!) Put what you are doing aside—especially your phone. Use full eye contact. Nod your head appropriately. Be in that listening moment. 

Don’t respond or react in a judgmental way while listening.

If you do, this will immediately shut off your talker. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have a judgment on what your teen is saying (or asking to do), but let the teen finish speaking. Your reaction and judgment should only come after you’ve heard the whole story and have had a few minutes time to reflect.

Often, no judgment is needed. In most cases, your teen knows exactly what position he/she should have. They sometimes just need the space and freedom to express it. It helps them to process it. When they can come to a judgment about something themselves, it is much more effective. Think of yourself as a sounding board. They may not need your advice—and ideally, that is what we want as parents. We want them to discern and solve problems on their own, particularly the moral ones. Here again is an irony: the more you help them through these dilemmas and problems, mostly by just listening, the more they will come to you for advice.  Consider this versus the parent who immediately says, “What? I can’t believe you’d even consider trying to smoke weed!” I doubt that teen would ever again come to that parent for advice about this.  

When necessary, pause.

Give a patient, loving, well-thought-out response, but only after repeating what your teen has said. Sum up in a fair way what you believe he/she has said, including their emotions and feelings behind it. “You are upset that your teacher has assigned an extra project to you because of a late homework assignment. Is that right?” Instead of, “What? You forgot to do an assignment? I can’t believe that. I asked you this weekend if you had your work done.“ Remember this: “If you blurt, it can hurt.” Take a minute to respond and always with charity and understanding first.  

Don’t think about your response while your teen is still talking. 

This is against everything we just went over in the first three bits of advice, but it certainly deserves its own number since many of us are tempted to do this.  

Don’t be dismissive of their emotions and feelings.

As I mentioned earlier, when you repeat back to them what they say, try to include how they are feeling. It is certainly essential to understand what they are communicating And most importantly, don’t devalue their emotions. “It’s silly to be so upset about that assignment,” or “Your friend wasn’t a great friend in the first place so don't be angry about them turning on you,” or worse, “It’s just “puppy-love” and you’ll get over it.”  

Don’t always feel the need to fix everything.

Think sounding board. Often that is all teens need and want.  

Finally, and probably most importantly, pray.

I’m not talking about praying for your children during your prayer times, although that is important, too, but to pray in the very first moments of listening.  I think your Guardian Angels, both yours and your child’s, are great supporters of your relationship and will help guide both of you. I like to simply say, “Angels of God ...” not even finishing the prayer and leaving it at that. Another effective one is, “Come, Holy Spirit.” That’s especially helpful to pray right before you respond.  

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If we want the chance to speak more to our teens, we’ve got to learn to be better listeners. #CatholicMom

I hope you’ll find this bit of advice helpful. Is it easy to do? No. It takes a lot of practice. You’ll have to read these suggestions, practice them, reread the suggestions, practice again. These are actually habits that you can develop. And as you’ll find out, the fruits of good listening will spill over into your other relationships. It will help with your friends, your coworkers, and your spouse.  

Copyright 2024 Tami Kiser
Images: Canva