A Confession Conundrum

Heidi Hess Saxton recounts a healing moment she experienced during a confession she'd been tempted to avoid.

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The fervent prayer of a righteous person is very powerful. (James 5:16)

Three months ago, I discovered a horrific family secret that shook me to the core: a revelation that had traumatized three generations of my family, most of whom had died years ago. Every time I thought of this discovery, I felt sick to my stomach. The person most directly impacted by this secret is in an advanced state of dementia, and has long since passed the point where talking about it is an option.

And so … I felt stuck. Then angry. Then indignant. Then vengeful. Then angry again. How could I possibly forgive someone capable of such evil?

This past weekend, I was attending a retreat hosted by the Daughters of St. Paul, and discovered that Confession was being offered during the group Adoration service to be held the second night. Although it occurred to me that this might be helpful, I was hesitant to go to the priest “on call.” I wished for an older, more experienced priest—but no. It was this baby-faced young priest, or nothing.

Then, after ten minutes or so of interior debate, I looked up and read the words at the front of the chapel: “Do not be afraid. From here, I wait to enlighten. I am with you. Have a penitent heart.”

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Have a penitent heart. Suddenly I realized that my anger over the situation had prevented me from seeing how I needed to respond in order to break the cycle. Finally, when it was my turn, I went in and, with a deep breath, sat down opposite. “Buckle up, Father,” I said by way of warning … Then offered my confession, slowly and tearfully. Then I waited.

“Is that all?”

I wasn’t sure I heard him right. “All? Isn’t that enough?”

“You tell me.”

I thought for a moment, then nodded. “Yes, I think that’s all. I’m just so angry about this, and I’m sure God wants me to forgive … but I’m not sure how to do that. What if this person is beyond the reach of my prayers?”

“That’s not for you to say.”

He was right.

“What if your prayers are the only thing that can release everyone involved in this situation—including yourself? Don’t you think it would be worth asking God for mercy, just in case?”

Of course it was.

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What if your prayers are the only thing that can release everyone involved in this situation—including yourself? #CatholicMom

I stumbled through my Act of Contrition, received my penance, and made my way back to my seat in the chapel. I was so thankful that I hadn’t given in to the temptation to avoid confession, just because it was the “wrong” priest—and yet, how often are do we make such excuses?

“It’s too embarrassing, and he knows me too well.”
“He’s too old and cranky—he’ll lecture me when I tell him how long it’s been.”
“His English isn’t very good, and I don’t want to have to repeat myself over and over.”
“I really do want to break this habit, but I keep messing up. It’s embarrassing.”

And yet, the truth remains:

If we say, "We are without sin," we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. But if we acknowledge our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and cleanse us from every wrongdoing. (1 John 1:8-9)