Advice I Wish I'd Heard as a New Wife and Mother

Asked what she wishes she'd known earlier, Rachel Watkins looked to the Gospels for the answer.

When you reach a certain age and have parented for a certain length of time you can be looked at as somewhat of an expert, not that you are! Having reached that age, I was recently approached by a younger mom who asked THE question: Is there anything I know now that could have made my life easier had I known it earlier?

Wow! My mind was immediately full of answers. Keep the Sabbath holy. Pray with your family and husband. Don’t let the little things steal your joy. Don’t over-plan birthday parties. Don’t overcommit. Seemingly mindless answers we’ve all heard before.

Then cliché answers came to mind. "Live, Laugh, Love," or the ironic "Collect Memories and Not Things" ... which is printed on a thing you collected. Approaching 40 years of marriage and 36+ years of parenting, I could print my own farmhouse signs of trivial advice.

Then I paused and asked Mary, Seat of Wisdom to aid me and the answer that came was no surprise. Ask more questions. This was the advice I wish I had heard on my wedding day and day one of becoming a parent.

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According to people who count these things, Jesus asked more than 300 questions. Many with seemingly obvious answers: “What do you want?” He once asked a blind man. But He also asked deeper questions: “Why are you afraid?”

You can do a quick read of every Gospel and see dozens of question marks. Jesus asked questions not because He didn’t know the answer; He is God, after all. But He wanted to know how the other person felt and where they were coming from. He was not asking questions as a lawyer determining guilt but as the only person who could give what was truly being asked for and what was truly needed.

He was never accusatory even to the woman at the well or the one caught in adultery. He did not ask to shame them about sins He already knew, but He asked so they could peace and healing.

As I learned over time, and what I wish I had known from the start is that pausing any personal encounter—especially the tough ones—to ask questions is not a waste of time but a time for learning.

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Asking your children, of almost any age, a question or two before rushing in giving them an answer typically makes for a better outcome. A toddler in the midst of crying can be distracted by gently saying, “Breathe sweetheart. Why are you crying?” or “Honey, what has made you frustrated?” Engaging them in trying to solve their problem often stops the tears. A teenager angry about something might be able to even better understand themselves when you ask, “Why is (filling in the blank if possible) making you so mad?” This approach can give your children a chance try to figure it out before you start giving your advice.

As a spouse, I have learned many a conflict has been tempered by remembering to ask, “What are we even fighting about?” or “Is this problem more important than us?"

Now, as with every parenting or marital advice, this isn’t a perfect tool. You can easily overwhelm a loved one by asking too many questions when they are in the midst of a stressful situation. And asking your questions as gently as Jesus did is absolutely necessary. Ask without any negative accusation but with a real desire to help.

And, as a bonus, this pause in the problem gives me time to pause, pray and seek Jesus’ wisdom before my own.

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Pausing any personal encounter—especially the tough ones—to ask questions is not a waste of time but a time for learning. #CatholicMom

Over my long years, on too many occasions, I thought I knew the answer. I readily gave my strong opinion and perfect solution—without even realizing I didn’t even know what the problem was actually about. Whether it was pride or haste or a lack of charity, I didn’t bother to ask for any details. But I have learned over time to ask a question or two and then wait patiently on the answer. And, as a bonus, this pause in the problem gives me time to pause, pray and seek Jesus’ wisdom before my own.

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