Chi-Rho, for Christ

Cait Winters tells the story of an ancient symbol’s recent appearance in her life.

“I just feel kinda angsty,” I admitted to my cousin in a vent session at my kitchen table. It's not that I'm ungrateful for all of my blessings, or that I feel entitled to answered prayers, but sometimes things don't work out the way you thought they would. Indeed, God's ways are not our own (Isaiah 55:8-9) and while we pray for God's will to be done, it's not always easy to accept.  

For many earthly matters, actions predict the outcome. For example, if you study for the test and do your homework, you'll likely get an A. But one plus one doesn't always equal two in the spiritual life. I worked toward one big writing goal for a while ... but it stalled. I felt at home at a parish ... until someone there let us down. My realities falling short of my dreams and ideals has left me confused. I’m not perfect by any means, but I try my best to practice the faith and live the sacraments.

Am I doing something wrong? Is my discernment off?   

I wrestled with these feelings for several months, feeling kind of numb as I pursued a new and unexpected path. I did so with confidence in God and His plan for my life, but without answers or plans for my deferred dreams. I tried not to worry but still felt the desire to write and to find the right spiritual home for myself and my family.

I tried to do my best each day, knowing Jesus was with me, though seemingly quiet. All of my prayers, hopes and devotion towards these things and I still found my soul among desert sands.  

A little gift showed me where to focus

In the midst of these feelings and my busy life, one of my children came to me with a small gift: a cross that came out of a gumball machine from a trip to the grocery store with my husband. It was a small black cross with a symbol on it: XP. This is an ancient Christian symbol that is derived from the first two letters of Christ in Greek; Chi (X) and Rho (P). “It made me think of you,” my son said when he gave me this gift.   

Well, that was enough to make my heart swell and capture my attention. I held the cross and looked at the symbol. The Holy Spirit whispered to my soul, “Christ.” I knew this is where I needed to start. To put down my expectations and focus on Jesus. All I have done in the past few years has shaped me more into His likeness and that spiritual success is infinitely more valuable than any validation the world could offer.  

My new goal is to get back to the basics: Putting Jesus first. Crucifying my desires and lovingly submitting to His will. When I do that, I know I am on the right path, no matter what it looks like. I may not know what lies ahead but I know the One who leads me. One plus one may not always make two in the spiritual life, but that's okay, as long as it all adds up to Christ. 

Share your thoughts with the Catholic Mom community! You'll find the comment box below the author's bio and list of recommended articles.

Copyright 2024 Cait Winters
Images: Canva