Dear Yelling Mama, It's Going to Be Okay

Caroline Godin sees herself in a struggling mother and offers experience, advice, and some heavenly support. 

Occasionally, we look back on our lives and think about how we used to be. Sometimes that very vision manifests in a person. 

I’m working the desk and in comes my past self with her little ones, tense, rushed, commanding. 

She’s managing what she can, barking at her kids, and trying to pull their cluster together. While the kids are wild — a type I know well — she’s picking on small details and letting nothing go. She yells at them even while the instructors are running the session. Her face worn and stressed, she tries desperately to control the situation, to make sure things are right and her kids well-behaved. 

I know this woman. I was this woman. 

The Real Deal 

I wish there was a moment I figured it out; there wasn’t. I wish mere knowledge could fix a mama’s stress. It can’t. 

But if you’re that yelling mama, I see you. 

I see your attempts at reeling your kids into some semblance of order. I see you trying to give them everything they need while trying to teach them not to want. Our world full of me-things and I-wants is built against us parents trying to pass on simple values. But I see you working to force all the virtues on your little loves all at once because you truly want the best for them. 

You’re doing your best. 

Forget that others may just see the yelling. Yup, you yell. You may not be proud of it. You may be trying to be better. But we should not be judged in our worst moments, much less by those who only look because those moments are loudest. 

Mama, I promise there’s hope. 

What a Mama Wants 

While I saw myself in that mama, her story is not mine. No one has the same story, but we can find solidarity in this. We mamas are fighting the tide of a twisted world filled with uncertainty and raising the loves of our lives. We want the world for our kids but not for the world to envelop our kids. Virtues and goodness and love: that’s what we want for our kids. We want heaven for our kids, God’s grace and mercy for our kids.  

Yelling is the outpouring of stress on unyielding recipients by an overwhelmed human. Mama, you are simply overwhelmed, and I feel you. I was you. 

You don’t want to yell. You want your kids to listen. But you don’t want them to be robots. You want them to think and do the right things for themselves. There’s so much you want for them … but know they can’t get it all at once. And you can’t control everything, sometimes not even yourself right now. 

And that’s okay. 

Learning to Exhale 

As we move through life, we pick up and drop off nuances of personality. I dropped intensity over time. I picked up patience (a little). I dropped the need for everything-perfect-immediately. I picked up let-it-go. The best lesson I learned was to pause, exhale, and think. I have a child who gets under my skin easily and challenges this. While it’s a “me” problem, I need to gently guide that child to be less … triggering. It takes collaboration and effort all around. But I can only ask of my kids what they’re developmentally able to handle. If I can’t control myself, I can’t expect them to. 

That’s a hard lesson. I know they’re capable of more, but are they able to be their best all the time? I’m their safe zone, which means I get the unfiltered junk. Oh, joy. But it’s a mama’s job to sort through that. 

Exhale. This too shall pass. What’s most important in the moment? Is everyone safe? Is anyone hurt? Lessons can be taught after. 

Go ahead, have your tantrum. I’ll be here when you’re calm. 

I still said no. I don’t argue with terro ... uh ... children. 

Stay strong, mama. 

Exhale. One day at a time. Maybe today was ugly. Try again tomorrow. Momming is so hard. 

Your story may be unique, but you don’t struggle alone. 

Saints for Mamas 

Here’s a list of saints for mamas to pray to for intercession. 

• Our Lord’s Mother is my first go-to. I pray a Rosary every day. She hears our call and never refuses to come to a child in need. You’re her child too. 
• Saint Monica is a favorite of mine. She prayed for years for the conversion of her husband and son, who both converted. Later, her son, Saint Augustine, became a Doctor of the Church. 
• Saint Ann, the mother of our Mother Mary, is also a patron to grandmothers. 
• Saint Gianna Beretta Molla had three children and two miscarriages. She was also a doctor. 
• Saint Zélie Martin, the mother of Saint Thérèse, worked hard through pregnancies and lost four of her nine children in infancy. 
• Saint Elizabeth, the mother of Saint John the Baptist and cousin to Mary, was the first (human) to proclaim that Mary was the Mother of Our Lord. 
• Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton endured many struggles without much support, but managed to raise up the first Catholic girls’ school in the country and the first American congregation of religious sisters. 

Learn about more motherly saints whose intercession you can seek.   

There’s an army in heaven at your side, and they can help guide you to the support you need here on earth. 

Exhale. Breathe. You got this. I’m praying for you. 

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