Discovering the Light Silent Sounds amid Teenage Turbulence

Kristina Talbot shares about how emotions can distract from what teens are really trying to share with parents, who have more to offer than our words.

I’m pretty sure that the T in "teenager" stands for "Turbulence." As a professional who has worked with teens for a couple of decades, I had this notion that I was equipped with what I needed to navigate the teen years until my eldest became one. Now, I find myself amid various debates about screen time, proper attire along with music selections. If I’m honest, I’m getting worn down. Teens have a way of doing that, wearing us parents down.

There is a therapeutic notion that we have three aspects of our minds and how we operate our thinking patterns. This modality identifies these three aspects as the wise mind, the rational mind and the emotion mind. Throughout my career, I’ve concluded that teenagers spend approximately 98% of their time dwelling in emotion mind. While I don’t have the data and research to back this up, I do have countless observations where I’ve seen teenagers move their parents into emotion mind with them. This tactic distracts us from rational and wise thinking which often leads to turbulence within the household.

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The number one complaint I have heard from teens through the years has been that "my parents don’t listen to me." I was surprised by this common response because I assumed it would be complaints about rules and a variation of the Fresh Prince’s notion that parents just don’t understand. What I learned is that most teens know their parents are going to say "no"; they just want them to listen to why this time the answer should be "yes". Of course, teens tend to hold onto hope that they will be able to change their parents’ minds, but they are often reasonably realistic about their parameters. The arguing of their case is a natural part of adolescent brain development and even necessary for them to generate critical thinking skills.

Parenthood within the information age has pros and cons. Truthfully, I can recognize that I’m not as patient as the generations before me. It takes time to stop, listen and be fully present to my teenager. Many of the things that are of tremendous significance in her world are inconsequential to me. Yet, she is worth the investment of my time to really listen to her why’s. She has her reasons why she believes there should be revised rules and limitations. It is a challenge to resist the urge to initiate a lecture; but I have found that a true dialogue yielding to her lead in the conversation allows for a more productive conversation about our differing opinions.

Then the LORD said: Go out and stand on the mountain before the LORD; the LORD will pass by. There was a strong and violent wind rending the mountains and crushing rocks before the LORD—but the LORD was not in the wind; after the wind, an earthquake—but the LORD was not in the earthquake; after the earthquake, fire—but the LORD was not in the fire; after the fire, a light silent sound. (1 Kings 19:11-12)

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Our teenagers' whispers may be telling us about needs they have yet to learn how to give voice to. #CatholicMom

Teens can often sound like a strong violent wind or even give the sense of generating earthquakes and fires. Their communication patterns do not come across as light silent sounds; but sometimes, to really hear them, it requires us being still and quiet enough to hear a whisper in the barrage of emotions they convey. The whispers may be telling us about needs they have yet to learn how to give voice to. It could be as simple as a need to have more quality time; or a need for help in learning how to slow down; or a need for support on how to navigate a conflict.

These light silent sounds are hidden behind the mountains of their distracting rants about the latest parental injustice; but, if we slow ourselves down and pull ourselves out of emotion mind, we may be surprised at what we truly hear them asking of us. It is possible, that they are looking for the wisdom that has been given to us and shared by our presence rather than our words.

But the wisdom from above is first of all pure, then peaceable, gentle, compliant, full of mercy and good fruits, without inconstancy or insincerity. James 3:17

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