Do We Have to Like All Stages of Parenthood?

Janele Hoerner examines why a parent is allowed to admit that some stages of parenting are not enjoyable, but in the end are worth the difficulties. 

A Saint’s Explanation of Love 

St. Thomas Aquinas defined love as “willing the good of the other” (quoted in Catechism of the Catholic Church 1766). By using his definition and applying it to a time period in a mother’s life, such as pregnancy, we can see that any stage of having children does not necessarily have to be enjoyed by the mother — or the father, for that matter.  

Some mothers suffer through pregnancy but enjoy the baby stage. Some mothers despise the baby stage and enjoy the toddler ages; some loathe the toddler ages and like the elementary ages. Still other mothers truly enjoy the teenage stage the best, for they like that ability to reason that comes with the developing adolescent mind and are very relieved that the younger stages of growth are over. Not one mother is right or wrong in her feelings; each is only called to work through all stages of growth of her children to what God is asking of her. 

We Cannot Compare Ourselves 

Not one mother on earth is the same, and these best-liked time periods can overlap for all of one’s children. Whether a mother only prefers the baby or toddler stage can be different for each individual child. We must remember that endurance of the struggles and acceptance of the sufferings of life is the way of sainthood.  

We do not get to sainthood by avoidance and the statement that this part of life is just too hard to deal with and should be ignored! Although there are aspects of parenthood that are truly enjoyable, a parent would be lying if they said they truly liked all of them. Many stages of raising a child are rooted in a deep sacrifice to God’s will over our own, hence the term “openness to life.”  

Pregnancy, as the beginning stage of parenthood, is the perfect starting place to begin our journey to suffering if we have led a life of ease so far without stressful physical symptoms. It may be the first time in our life that a woman is exposed to nausea or bodily ailments. This may be the best time to begin our journey of compassion to understand how others suffer continually with many bodily symptoms.  

Judgment-Free Compassion 

We must not be too quick to judge others and always take the road of compassionate understanding of another’s situation. To many people, mothers that have large families are perceived as mothers that must have easy and enjoyable pregnancies, but that is a judgment in itself. Pregnancy is, at its root, a sacrifice for the life of the child. This does not mean that all mothers of large families love being pregnant. Yes, each mother should love each child that God has given to her, but love is more complex than a feeling. 

In just the same way, seeing a couple with only one child or two spread far apart in age should also not be judged. We have no idea of the hidden pain and suffering that went into having those children. In every situation we must attempt to understand rather than formulate a conclusion, because God is the only one who knows and therefore can judge. 

Yes, God gives us all a natural capacity for love, but what we must remember is that we can easily convince ourselves that our capacity is complete since it seems to us that we have done enough. Or, considering the latter example, we might be tempted to think that our lives are not worth enough because we have only something so small to offer to God. We must be careful and aware because these are the traps of discouragement since we are deciding that we know better than God at those times. Saint Thérèse of Lisieux says in The Story of a Soul,  

I understood that every flower created by Him is beautiful, that the brilliance of the rose and the whiteness of the lily do not lessen the perfume of the violet or the sweet simplicity of the daisy. I understood that if all the lowly flowers wished to be roses, nature would no longer be enameled with lovely hues. And so, it is in the world of souls, Our Lord's living garden.  

As we go about each new day, we must remember that God is calling us to great things starting in a little way, and we must always keep our minds open to His gentle encouragements! Love does not mean to like something; it means to put into action a good for another.  

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Copyright 2025 Janele Hoerner
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