Doubting Me

Mary Lou Rosien considers the times she's doubted that God would bring miracles into her life.

I think I am more like Thomas the Apostle (“Doubting Thomas”) than I choose to admit. 

Even though Thomas had seen the Lord do marvelous and miraculous things, he struggled to accept the greatest miracle ever: Christ’s rising from the dead.   

I have read of the miracles in Sacred Scripture, and I believe every word. I see the miracle of the Eucharist at every Mass and know that it is true. I have witnessed the Lord do amazing things in the lives of those I know, and I have been astounded ... and yet, with all of that, I struggle. 

Teaching about God's miracles, but not believing I'm worthy of them

Oddly, I can teach others about God’s goodness. I can give talks on the miracles for those who believe, while at the same time doubting my own worthiness and God’s love for me to be on the receiving end of His mercy and great deeds.  

This was recently brought home to me in a powerful way. I know, in my heart, that the Lord will be with me in my suffering. I have taken comfort in this fact all of my life. The last few months have been a rare season of incredible struggle and difficulty for my family, and I never doubted that God was with us and would walk through it with us. However, I didn’t dare dream that I was worthy of more.  

One of my children suffered a very difficult miscarriage after struggling with infertility. Another was struggling with addiction. Still another had a serious health issue (requiring four surgeries in just a few months). My mother, who is my best friend and confidant, got sick — and the list goes on. I found strength in the Mass, Sacraments, my trust of the Lord to be with me in this, and Scripture.  

In fact, my family and I had been taking a deep dive into Sacred Scripture for about the last two years. I was finally understanding the saying, “Ignorance of Scripture is ignorance of God.” I relied heavily on the psalms to give me encouragement. I thought I had things somewhat figured out, despite our current challenges. I bet Thomas was like that. 

I didn't trust that God loves me enough to give me miracles

What I didn’t truly believe or expect was that God would grant us miracles and take away completely the things that we had been pushing through. I didn’t trust that God loved me enough to give me a miracle, let alone several. Like Saint Thomas, I had evidence all around me of what God can do, but I doubted it would be done for me.   

Today, I have a new granddaughter! My child is in recovery after 16 years of struggles with alcohol and drugs. My mom (who received the Anointing of the Sick at the hospital) is well again. Still, another one of my children is currently recovering from his (hopefully) last surgery. Two of my kids, who were struggling with faith, have found faith again. I am in complete awe of God’s goodness, mercy, and miracles!   

I rushed to the Sacrament of Reconciliation to confess that I doubted, like Saint Thomas, that God loved me enough to do these great things for me. Unimaginable things. Miraculous things. 

Like the Psalmist, I can now say:

One generation praises your deeds to the next and proclaims your mighty works. They speak of the splendor of your majestic glory, tell of your wonderful deeds. They speak of the power of your awesome acts and recount your great deeds.  (Psalm 145:4-6)

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Copyright 2024 Mary Lou Rosien
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