Grief: Learning to Surrender like Mary

Allison wonders whether she would have been as faithful as Mary if she had known of the suffering she would endure. 

Last June, I wrote an article about miscarriages, unaware at the time that I was pregnant. 

During week nine of my pregnancy, I miscarried. In the early hours of the Feast of Our Lady of Mount Carmel, while sitting on a hospital bed, my husband and I were told by the doctor that it was a twin pregnancy but that only one of the twins had a heartbeat. Over the next couple of days, I prayed and begged the Lord to allow the remaining twin to survive. 

Unfortunately, by the following Thursday morning, via an ultrasound, it was confirmed that both twins had passed. 

My heart is heavy. I am unable at times to hold back the tears. The grief feels consuming, and I feel it in every inch of my being. There are moments when I feel a sense of peace and calmness, and I know the Lord allows this grace. I see life continue around me, yet I feel I cannot move forward. I have questioned the Lord so many times. 

Why did He allow this? And every time I think I have the answer, I end up feeling overwhelmed with grief and find myself back at the start, questioning the Lord. 

Lord, Help Me to be Like Mary 

I look towards Mary, my Heavenly Mother. Her fiat to the Lord, knowing all the sorrow she would endure. I wonder what her thoughts were as she held her new babe in her arms, knowing what would be asked of Him and her as the Mother of God. 

I am reminded of Mary's heart, which was pierced by the seven sorrows prophesied by Simeon in the temple.  

Simeon blessed them and said to Mary his mother, "Behold, this child is destined for the fall and rise of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be contradicted (and you yourself a sword will pierce) so that the thoughts of many hearts may be revealed." (Luke 2:34-35)

I overheard my youngest daughter explain to her cousin, "God didn't want my mum to go through pain again." 

And yet here I am, grieving through pain felt in the deepest depths of my heart.  

Lord, help me to be like Mary, to have faith like Mary, to have hope like Mary, and to love like Mary. 

Pondering Mary's total trust

I contemplate Mary's gentleness and willingness to surrender to the Lord's plan with total peace and trust for the Lord. 

Mary knew her Son was going to be crucified. If I knew I were to lose the twins, would I have given the Lord my yes? Would I have hesitated and thought about it first? "Let me think about it and get back to you, Lord." 

Would I? 

I find myself in tears, admitting I would most likely pause out of fear of the pain that was too familiar after a miscarriage. But in the end, I would not be able to bring myself to say no to the Lord. As painful as this is, I desire to surrender to His will. I cannot see the bigger picture in all of this, but I wholeheartedly believe that everything the Lord wills or allows in my life is for my and my family's salvation. 

Through the grief, the Lord has poured His love upon me through my family and community. This grief is healing wounds that I have been carrying around. It has taught me that it is necessary to go through the pain and that Jesus will continue to stand next to me as I fall apart. It is okay that I have fallen apart and that I need time to process this loss and grieve through it. The anger and sadness I have felt do not define me. 

The Lord has shown me that I am at my strongest when I lean into Him and that Mary will comfort me and hold my hand. I have felt this most when I have gone for walks to pray the Rosary. Walking at a prayerful pace helped calm my anxieties and find the peace I needed.  

Through this pain and loss, the Lord has revealed what He asks of me. He is asking to be the one I turn to, to be the one I run to, and to be the desire of my whole heart. Not to rely so much on people but to surrender to Him. It is only through Jesus I will find the comfort and solace that I am seeking. He is the answer to our pain and suffering and is the balm to our wounds.

We will find the healing we desire through the Eucharist and at the foot of the cross. The cross is where He calls us to. We need to ingrain this into our hearts so that when we stumble and fall, we do so at the foot of the cross. If we remain focused on Jesus, we will avoid bruising so easily.  

Reflection: 

Has there been a time when you have experienced loss in your life and found yourself turning to Jesus? How does this compare to other times of hardships when you didn't turn towards Jesus and instead turned away from Him? 

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Copyright 2024 Allison Brown
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