Hands and Hearts Wide Open

Michelle Hamel commits to a posture of reception and openness amidst all the mixed feelings that change brings.

As soon as the calendar turns from July to August, there's an ache I try to ignore. Because every August I go through a cycle of grief and loss. The days of August slip by, seeming to gain momentum even as I try my hardest to slow down and hold on tight to summer days, and the first day of school looms closer and closer on the calendar for those of us in the Northeast.

I start to become more reflective, looking back over the summer months that always seem like an almost endless amount of time when school vacation starts in June but always goes by way too quickly. I think of all of my summer goals that I hoped to accomplish, many that still stare back at me from my to-do list. I question whether I loved enough, was present enough, or had a good balance of activities making fun memories and time to "just be." Did I do a good enough job helping my kids to live life detached from technology? Did I use the time that I was given well enough?

There Is No Perfection in Motherhood

The reality is that, just like every summer, there are times when I lived up to the hopes and expectations that I set for myself and times when I fell short. There is no perfection in motherhood! There is only the opportunity to wake up each day and try to live in the moment, love my kids as best I can, and trust that God will make up any difference between what they truly need and what I'm able to give them.

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New Routines and New Graces

Surrendering to the change of routine and accepting the end of those special summer moments can be hard. There is an element of relief to get back into a steady routine ... and for some moms there may be downright giddiness for kids to be back in school!

Wherever we find ourselves on the barometer of feelings, change is here. And for all of us, there is Grace to navigate these new routines and expectations. Even though I can't grasp and hold onto summer, I can hold fast to the truth that God is always with me and that, as it says in Lamentations:

The Lord's acts of mercy are not exhausted, his compassion is not spent,
They are renewed each morning — great is your faithfulness! (Lamentations 3:22-23)

New graces every morning make me feel hope for the coming months. And speaking of hope, I remembered something this week! Even though I'm grieving the end of the slower paced days of summer and surrendering to time moving forward in the lives of my last two children still in school, one thing that hasn't ended yet is the Jubilee Year of Hope. I can look to this next season and watch for the special graces that God still has planned for me and for my family and friends.

That feels like a consolation to me. It's a reminder to me that God is still working, that He still has plans for me, and that those plans are good (see Jeremiah 29:11), And that's especially true in this Jubilee Year. I so want to be open to each and every grace that God might desire to pour into me. I long for Him to fill all of the places where I feel so inadequate, that are in darkness, or that are broken. For God to fill every part of me where I long to have His merciful love pour into and bring wholeness and healing so that I can be a better wife, mother, grammy, daughter, sister and friend. Graces for clarity and direction to fulfill whatever His plans are for me in this next season of my life.

And while I will certainly allow myself moments to feel and process the sadness and the bittersweet passing of time, I choose not to get stuck there. The posture I want to have is one of gratitude for the summer memories, mercy for the times I failed to live up to my expectations, and hope for what God will reveal as August turns into September and beyond.

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