"It Takes a Village" —But Where's the Village?

It's tough to be a mom with no extended family nearby. Cassidy Van Slyke Blenke asked other Catholic Mom writers how they built a support network.

As a child, I had such sweet memories of picking up the telephone, calling my grandmother to say hello, and inviting myself over. She made me anything I wanted, including her silver-dollar pancakes at 8:00 PM: breakfast for dinner, we’d say. The unconditional love I received and physical proximity to her made up the best memories of my childhood. She was always there.  

After college and into my young adult years, I moved away, seeking opportunities in new locations to further my career and life experiences. My immature invincibility had absolutely no regard for my physical location or family commitments. I was child-free then! Soon after, I stumbled into love, marriage, and all those wonderful things, and then my husband’s career took us to a city where I didn’t know a single soul. I courageously found myself in a new place and opened my mind, body, and spirit to new life and possibilities.  

Easier said than done, of course. Through the process of birthing four children and every life event and crisis in between, I found myself needing a ton of support. My previously independent self was surprised at how everything felt so unbearably hard without having family nearby. And it still does, especially when you find yourself needing immediate support when your family is either busy or far away (I want to note that I do love and appreciate my family and friends and acknowledge all the times they have worked hard to show up, but I wanted to reflect on the in-between moments).   

After pondering this topic for some time, I decided to reach out to the writers from my Catholic Mom community and ask for support, seeking advice from fellow mothers who have walked through challenging times without family nearby. Here are my key takeaways. 

Create your village.  

Find ways to connect with other people, especially other moms. Family doesn’t have to be blood; families can be made up of special people who love you and your family. My children have a special aunt who is a major part of their lives. One fellow Catholic Mom writer shared how she brought her children to Mass once or twice a week, building a community at daily Mass and connecting with empty nesters and those who attended church regularly. Build a community of like-minded people who can relate, listen, and support, even if it’s going out of your comfort zone to say, “Hi, would you like to get together for a play date?” 

Don’t compare.  

I continuously draw energy and comparisons from social-media feeds and other families. I get caught up in the false mindset of “How lucky are they” or “Wow, it looks like they have a lot of support.” I know this is not always the case; we don’t know the inner workings of others and their families, and I need to remind myself to embrace my own path and situation. Laura R. shared a helpful insight, accepting that at this moment, I may need to relinquish control and accept God’s plan, even if it is messy. 

It's too easy to look at friends/neighbors whose mom comes over frequently to help out or who have easy free sitters for date nights. I have had to say this is God's unique plan for us, even if it means date nights at home and me doing house cleaning/home management without someone to distract my kids. (Laura R., Catholic Mom writer) 

It’s okay to say no.  

I am a yes person by nature and have learned, through the support of friends, that standing down from certain activities and setting boundaries is healthy and okay. To me, this means choosing not to respond to every text, email, and communication ASAP. I can instead pause, focus on my little ones' immediate needs, and then respond and move forward.   

Anni H. shared that it's okay to “take a knee” and say no when things are wildly busy, to stop forcing yourself to be split in five directions, and to focus on family.  

Sometimes, we have to remind ourselves that it is okay to say no—I call it a “holy no,” a phrase I got from another very devout woman. (Anni H., Catholic Mom writer) 

We, faithful women, are courageous creatures created from above, but when we need love and support, let’s lean on our faith by channeling humility and asking for help, creating our own support village, pausing comparisons, and focusing on what works best for our beautiful, God-given families. 

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Copyright 2024 Cassidy Van Slyke Blenke
Images: Canva