Keeping and Pondering

Carmen Lappe reflects on the needs of her son and the Holy Spirit's prompting her to practice gratitude, even when it’s difficult.

As I write this, my son Damien is preparing for his 10th MRI. These days are always filled with anxiety, but also reflection as I consider how far he’s come, how far we have yet to go, and how we can grow in the space of unknowing while we wait for what’s next. As I watch Damien’s tiny form slide into the machine, I often wish others could see him in this vulnerable state.

Like the one who asked, “What’s wrong with him now?” when they noticed his eye patch at Mass.

Or the one who quipped, “Boy, I feel sorry for his kindergarten teacher next year,” when they witnessed his boundless energy.

Or the one who dismissed his vision challenges with, “I can’t see without my glasses, either. He’s not that special.”

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Pondering in My Heart

These comments deeply hurt my heart. Then, the anger sets in. I find myself spewing my anger and frustration at those closest to me, and to God in prayer. I am enraged and hurt by the judgmental comments and questions from folks who have no idea what Damien is up against — but also those who do. Recently as I prayed the Rosary, my heart was moved by the example of our Blessed Mother:

But Mary kept all these things, pondering them in her heart. (Luke 2:19, RSVCE)

I’ve often reflected on what exactly this verse means. Just how did Mary keep and ponder all these things? How can I best follow her example to keep and ponder these challenges from Damien’s life in my heart?

Mary undoubtedly faced difficult situations and challenging questions about Jesus, too, especially once He began His public ministry. His authority was questioned when He taught. People were angry and drove Him out of their cities and their synagogues. He was constantly discredited by the Pharisees. I have no doubt her mother’s heart broke again and again as others judged and questioned her Son. It is indeed painful to see your son judged, or misunderstood, or dismissed.

Called to Break the Cycle of Complaining

As I prayerfully consider how to grow in the midst of these challenges, and as I eagerly anticipate the arrival of Lent, I feel called to break the cycle of complaining and replace it with gratitude.

For the technology that’s given us eye patches to help Damien’s weak eye grow stronger, I am grateful.

For the teachers and strategists who will help Damien grow, learn, and succeed, I am grateful.

For excellent doctors who continue to monitor Damien’s vision with care and compassion, I am grateful.

For the family and friends who have entered into the struggle with us; who pray not only for Damien but for the sanctity of our family, I am grateful.

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The list could go on, and on, and on.

If indeed Mary did feel all these things about her Son, I believe she feels these same things about all of her children — even Damien.

Finding Opportunities to Practice Gratitude

Shifting my mindset will not be easy; it’s very cathartic to release the pent-up anger I feel when I visit with others about Damien’s situation. As usual, though, Damien shows me it’s not as complicated as I make it out to be.

As I placed his eye patch this morning, instead of resisting as he so often does, he instead offered a whispered, “thank you, mama bear.”

If Damien can be grateful in the midst of his situation, with one eye covered and glasses that improve his vision to something more akin to a Coke bottle, then I can certainly practice gratitude for all the blessings along this journey.

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Let us accept Mary’s invitation to keep and ponder our experiences or challenges as a mother, trusting in her tender maternal care and continual intercession.

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