Lenten Thoughtfulness: Looking Backward to Grow in Grace

Elena LaVictoire considers the grace that comes from looking back on past situations with the perspective gained from time and wisdom.

Every time I go to Confession, after doing an examination of conscience, I am confident that I did my best to truly make a good solid confession. But lately I’ve been reflecting on a different type of examination of conscience. It’s not in any book or pamphlet, and it’s not available on the internet. I think the only way you can use this type of examen is by living into another stage of life and then looking back with some perspective and gained wisdom.

Life Gives Perspective

Many years ago, I was preparing for the homebirth of my third child. The idea of giving birth at home was daunting, but at the time I felt that it was the best choice for me and my family. There was a woman in my homeschool group who had had several homebirths. After one of our meetings, I casually approached her to ask for a little support and guidance based on her past birth experiences. This lady was very pleasant, but she firmly told me that she wasn’t there to discuss homebirth, wished me good luck and walked away. I was stunned and a little hurt.

Many years later I met that same woman at the home of a friend. We were introduced to each other as if we had never met before and it was clear from her reaction that she truly did not remember me. But I remembered her. We went on to have a very nice conversation and she even laughed when she realized that we had homeschooled our children at the same time. We had a delightful conversation.

For all those years, when I reflected on that first encounter, she was an indifferent character in my story. In actuality, she had been a busy homeschool mom too. Perhaps she had come that night to get away from the trials and troubles of her own daily life and just couldn’t take on one more thing. My time with her years later showed me that she was a very nice person and that I had misjudged her.

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Eventually an even worse thought crossed my mind. Maybe I had done the same thing to someone else. In all the decades of being active in my parish and in the homeschooling community, online and in real life, perhaps I too had been indifferent, rushed, and insensitive to another mom or woman in need of some support, guidance, understanding, or just kindness. It is a chilling thought.

Seeing the Past with New Eyes

My baby has been commuting to college for the past two years. She has a lot of friends, a new boyfriend, and many social activities in addition to her studies. It’s not uncommon for her to call me at the last minute to tell me that she’s going out to dinner with friends, or she is going away for the weekend, or that she invited a friend over to visit in a few hours. She’s a normal, healthy, college sophomore, and I have taken some small bumps down on her priority scale — as I should. It still hurts a little though and sometimes I really miss her.

And yet when I think about it, I was probably just as unaware of my own mother’s thoughts and feelings. She was happy to see me, and I certainly had my freedom, but I can’t say that I remember ever inquiring if she had plans and if I should check with her first. Now that I’m at the age she was when I was venturing out, I wonder if she was ever sad that we didn’t have as much time together, or if she ever felt a little lonely for me. I think she probably did, and I know I should have done more to be considerate of my mother. I wasn’t thoughtful.

Taking It to Confession

Lent is the time of the liturgical year that we look at our faults, recognize our sins, repent, and grow closer to Christ. Looking back at my life, I see the sins of what I didn’t do with more clarity, and I am truly sorry.

So my word this Lenten season is thoughtfulness. And to help with examining my conscience and planning to be more thoughtful going forward, here are some words from Scripture:

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I am looking for more ways to grow in thoughtfulness this Lent. May God bless all of you in your struggles and achievements as we journey through these 40 days.

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