New School Year, Same Handshake

Andrea Bear seeks to grow in love and trust as she helps her daughter, who has ADHD, make the transition from  elementary school to middle school.

“I can’t keep doing this,” I cried over the phone to my husband. “We’re only on day two of the school year and I already see this is going to be a tough year.”  

I complained to my husband as I  conveyed the struggles about turning in middle-school homework. Checking on my teenage daughter Christine was hard enough with one teacher — how was I going to manage seven teachers? Middle school is no joke, and Christine’s ADHD makes it difficult to keep track of papers and notes, along with writing down homework and assignments.

I had already received  an email from her school informing parents about important notes coming home, and sure enough Christine had already forgotten to give me some items. I scolded her, and my anger exploded. Since I had known the papers were coming, I felt defeated. She couldn’t keep something so simple straight. What would happen when I wasn’t informed?

Christine's track record was not so strong. Would she fail or drop out of school over poor grades or tests? I had already projected the worst case scenario and the chaos that was going to emerge over the year. Day one had been peaceful but by the second day, the honeymoon was already over.  

Looking for a Solution  

“We need a plan. If she doesn’t need one, I need one. I need structure and I need a written plan.” My voice was desperate, but I was searching for some way to reel her in, wake her up, because none of my methods seemed effective.  I looked over at the wall with my homemade charts and schedules, all which fell to the wayside.  

“We have to be okay if she fails,” said my husband. “She’s going to have moments like this.” But I didn’t want to see her fail. I didn’t want her to have to endure the heartache. Yet I knew if I did everything for her she would fail too, because she would never be independent. 

“We just need to love her,” my husband said. But I didn’t feel like giving love at the moment, at least not in the way of warm fuzzies-type love, and Christine’s impulsiveness and emotional episodes made it difficult to contain my own emotions.

I considered, "How could love help her stay organized? How could love write down her homework in her planner?"  

I looked over at my daughter who was struggling to put into words what she wanted to say. I knew her ADHD made her brain scattered and disoriented. She would get caught up in the visuals of class but not keep reminders. She would say things impulsively and have to take them back. I imagined I would be the parent the teachers dreaded when they walked by, just as I remembered my own experiences as a teacher working with parents who had children with challenging needs.  

Love Is Key  

Christine walked into the room and handed me a card. She had made an apology note for upsetting me. I knew this was her way of saying, “I don’t know what to do. I need help, but I want to be good.”  

I took a moment, and prayed, "God, direct me," and I was reminded of this verse:  

It is good sense to be slow to anger, and an honor to overlook an offense. (Proverbs 19:11) 

And then I realized Christine needed me to be calm because she couldn’t. She needed me to be brave because she was unsure what to do. And she needed me to guide her so she could figure out the steps. I took a deep breath and went back to basics. I looked at the wall. Christine had created her own rewards chart over the summer to track her efforts to earn the privilege of inviting friends over, so I decided we needed to add to it.  

Timing It Out  

I set a 10-minute timer. “Okay, Christine, you have 10 minutes to put everything away in your backpack, and get your pajamas on.” I gave her two tasks to do in 10 minutes. I could tell she was panicking, but surprisingly she ran to do them. And she finished in 7 minutes and 54 seconds. We celebrated and I wrote some points on her chart. She hadn’t expected it. I could see the celebration on her face as she recognized that she had accomplished something. And I had shown her love through my calm, steady presence.  

The next morning we realized the timer had been very helpful and Christine wanted to see what she could get done in 10 minutes. So I gave her two tasks every 10 minutes. 40 minutes later she was dressed, fed, and ready for school.  Most of the tasks were successful or close enough.  

Handshakes and Planners 

As we drove to school, I gave her suggestions about writing down her notes, using stickies or keeping a school planner. I listened to her share what was on her heart. Before she left, we did our special handshake, a handshake we had started many years before. I kissed her and she was off to her class. 

As I pulled out of the parking lot, I overheard another mother and child talking about their special handshake. I knew other families were also adjusting to a new school year too. And I knew that despite our struggles, all would be well, because my husband had reminded me of the most important lesson. We just needed to love.  

While our year is different and we will establish new routines and most likely have lots of trial and error, God is present through it all — and He is reminding me to love and stay calm.  

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Copyright 2025 Andrea Bear
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