No Accident: God's Plan for my Motherhood

Denise Jelinek celebrates the reality that there's more than one way to become a mother.

This month, when all types of mothers are celebrated, I also want to celebrate the many ways women become moms.  

God brought my boys home to me through adoption.    

Let me tell you the story, plus a few adoptive-mom things I’ve learned along the way.  

Waiting, waiting  

As soon as I got married, I thought I would get pregnant, even though I wasn’t someone who had always wanted kids. I wasn’t raised Catholic, nor had I converted at that point. My view was that having children was entirely my decision.  

That said, I knew my husband would be an AMAZING father. In fact, it’s one thing that attracted me to him when we were dating. So I wanted to make him a dad.  

After one year of trying to conceive without success, we started treatments to balance out my cycles. Over the next two years, my husband and I faced the emotional ups and downs of a couple facing infertility. In fact, in 20 years of marriage, we have never conceived.  

That was a difficult time for us, but our story has many blessings. I still yearned to have children.  

Finding the right prayer 

Our story took a massive pivot when I realized that praying, “Lord, help me get pregnant” would not get me what I really wanted. In fact, I didn’t care whether I got pregnant; I just wanted to be a mom. This is when God opened my heart to see how He wanted to bring children to my husband and me.    

I laugh now because when God told me He wanted me to adopt, I remember saying, “Oh no, God, I’m not that good of a person.” Back then, I thought adoptive parents had to be saints. Now I know adoptive parents are like all parents: flawed, and loved by God.   

We went through the adoption process, and God led us to our boys. We brought them home three years apart. Today, they’re 14 and 17 years old.  

Love is not finite  

A fear many people have about adoption is that their children won’t love them as much as they love their birth parents (notice I didn’t say “real” parents).  

But love is infinite.  

I’ve experienced this in my relationship with my two moms (my birth mom and the mom who raised me). My birth mom died when I was one year old, and my stepmom, whom I've always called “Mom,” has raised me since I was three.  

I have a love for both women in different ways, and one does not detract from the other.   

Because that’s not how God created love.  

There is enough love for everyone. I know the love my boys have for me is no less just because they love their birth parents, their (future) spouse, or anyone else.   

“You’re not my real mom.” 

Ouch! To me, the dreaded statement “You’re not my real mom” can be used interchangeably with “I hate you” or “I’m really upset with you” or “I don’t like your decision” or “I’m furious.”  

They’re all said out of anger, fear, and stress.   

As an adoptive mom, it’s my job to not interpret those words to mean things they don’t (like I’m a terrible mom or there’s something wrong with my relationship with my child). It just means my kids are upset.   

Once the moment cools down, parents can talk to their kids about how hurtful that statement was. 

Fantasies are normal 

No matter how grateful our adopted kids may be for us, it’s normal for them to wonder what life would've been like with their birth parents. 

I remember being a teenager fantasizing about what life would have been like had my birth mom not died, but I also fantasized about how great it would be to live with my friend’s family down the block. Many children, particularly teenagers, daydream about how their life could improve if … [fill in the blank].  

Adoptive parents can be more vulnerable to believing this isn’t normal, but I totally expect my boys to be dissatisfied with our family from time to time. I’m sure they will fantasize about living with someone else (such as their birth parents or their best friend).  

This doesn’t mean it won’t hurt when our kids tell us this, but knowing it’s normal can make it easier on us parents when our kids say their life would be better somewhere else.  

Let’s celebrate our kids! God doesn’t make mistakes. 

Just remember: God chose your children for you and how they would come to you. Your story and their story are part of your sainthood journeys. The struggles you encounter and the struggles they encounter are exactly what you both need to be formed into the person Our Lord wants you to be.   

Happy May, mamas!   

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Copyright 2024 Denise Jelinek
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