No Regrets? I Beg to Differ

Rachel Watkins considers those regrets that keep her up at night, offering suggestions for fighting the spiritual battle against regrets.

Do you remember when “No regrets” was the popular expression? Every time I saw it, I would shake my head. No regrets? None at all? Not even that poorly chosen outfit in eighth grade, or that bad haircut?

Many people will say that while they made mistakes, they know these mistakes helped make them who they are. There is real validity to this viewpoint; it is articulated in so many stories of conversion and a return to God. Whether it be the witness of Augustine’s Confessions or that of Father Donald Calloway, MIC, many a believer will talk of how far they have come from where they were. They know their journey might inspire others to walk away from a life of sin. Their stories contain moments of regret and moments they needed to take to Confession.

Me? I have real regrets hanging somewhere between my overly shaggy haircut and those requiring a visit to the confessional. And the memories of a few of these can make my life miserable if I let them. These memories are attached to a few very specific regrets from both my childhood and adult life.

Why does it have to happen in the middle of the night?

In any moment of silence or night of sleeplessness, these memories might return and bring me to tears as if it happened just moments ago. My face will redden as it did way back when and my stomach will tighten. Why didn’t I remember to do this? Why did I say that? Why were they so mean to me? Where was God in the middle of all of it?

And it isn’t as if I go seeking this return to the past, but these miserable moments just march back to the front of my mind. It is more than frustrating as they can cause me a sorrow I can struggle to overcome. With each of these regrets comes lies and recriminations of my failures, stupidity, and unworthiness before God.

There is even a name for this: Look up 3:00 AM thoughts. It is the battle of the mind we all fight. Satan, the lord of lies, wants us to feel as if every poorly chosen word, action, or lack of action is unrepairable and unforgivable. Making us feel unlovable and forgotten is one of his favorite tricks.

If you find yourself with fighting this battle, do not despair. Throughout our beautiful, difficult history of salvation, there are many saints who have fought this same fight with regrets. These heroes can provide us hope and advice in how to stand firm in God’s mercy and love against our past actions and the memories that come with them.

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Will I ever get over my regrets?

Consider Saint Bridget of Sweden. Her writings deal with her battle against “unprofitable and evil thoughts.” She doesn’t mention memories as such but allowing ourselves to be beaten up about things long past is certainly unprofitable.

Louis of Bois writes that Saint Bridget was given these words by God:

In order that man may understand his own weakness, and the strength he receives from Me, it is necessary that he should sometimes be allowed to be attacked by evil thoughts; and if he consents not to them, they become the purification of his mind, and the safeguard of his virtues. And although they are hard to be borne, they heal the soul, and conduct it to eternal life, which cannot be gained without sufferings. The soul should, therefore, labour diligently, lest it consent to them, or take any pleasure in them. (Spiritual Works of Louis of Bois, 237)

Take particular note of the words, “if he [she] consents not to them.” I do not consent to these memories, and I have taken the sins woven in each of them to confession; sometimes more than once. Much has been written about intrusive thoughts — but what about intrusive memories? The actions of healing and prevention between intrusive thoughts and bad memories are the same as both seek to diminish your value before God.

As in most things, there is a proven Catholic approach to fighting memories of regret. As Saint Bridget reminds me, I do not consent to their arrival and when they do, I tell them, out loud if necessary, to go. I tell myself I have been to confession and repeat a short aspiration until I feel better. My current favorite: “Jesus calls me by my name and not by my shame.” There’s also the always reliable Saint Michael prayer.

We all know the battles we fight in our minds as we strive to hold tight to our worth and our hope. Saint Paul knew this well, reminding us, "Take every thought captive in obedience to Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5). We know we are in a battle, but we never fight alone.

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