Nurturing A Healthy Sense of Dependency in a Self-Reliant World

While it is important to foster independence, Charisse Tierney points out how spiritual formation also requires times of dependence on others and God. 

Never help a child with a task at which he feels he can succeed. (Maria Montessori, paraphrased in The Absorbent Mind) 

My 15-year-old daughter drove herself to a school related activity for the first time the other night … halfway across our city … on a busy highway … at night.  

Oh, how I wanted to be in the car with her, coaching her along, ready to grab the wheel at the least sign of any threat to her safety.  

But I couldn’t. It was a usual busy weeknight for our family and my daughter could either beg her older brother to drive her, or take the leap and put her driver’s education course and hours behind the wheel with us by her side to the test.  

She chose to drive herself. Because she felt she could succeed. And she did. 

Growing In independence  

We all want our children to grow into confident, independent, and resourceful adults. Even the youngest children are capable of much more than we so often allow them to do. Children have an inherent need to learn to do things by themselves. Their instincts tell them to follow the path of their gradual, yet constant, independence from their parents by learning how to function in the world as the unique and gifted beings that they are. 

When I take the time to show my 7-year-old how to cook her own scrambled eggs, or pour some milk into a lighter, more appropriately sized pitcher so my 5-year-old can pour her own cup of milk, I see their faces light up and their bodies jump into action. Their need is being fulfilled. The exhilaration of accomplishment inspires them to continue growing into the people they were created to be.  

But I don’t always have the time to pause and teach my children how to do the multitude of daily tasks that are all so new to their young lives. It can feel discouraging to think we have to constantly be teaching our children how to do everything and be completely self-reliant … because that’s not how we’re supposed to be.  

Children learn quickly and grow in independence rapidly. This sense of independence is a wonderful, confidence boosting way for our children to go about their day. But Maria Montessori’s concept “at which he feels he can succeed” points to a deeper lesson. 

Lessons in dependence  

Before my daughter drove across town by herself, she asked my husband or me to ride with her multiple times to practice driving on various types of roads in various types of conditions.  

And it was through her driving lessons that she learned the most important lessons.  

The lesson that there will always be tasks at which we won’t feel we can succeed on our own.  

The lesson that, while independence is good, recognizing when we need to depend on others and God is equally, if not more, important.  

The lesson that a defining quality of being like a child in the way that makes us worthy of heaven is total dependence on the One who can help us with any task.  

My daughter drove by herself that night, but the only way she reached that milestone was by depending on the guidance of others. 

Perhaps it’s the beautiful chaos of daily life that naturally creates that balance between self-reliance and dependency. Our children learn that sometimes they have to ask for help. They learn that sometimes they have to work hard to master a skill. They learn that everyone has unique gifts and that they may always need some help with certain kinds of tasks.  

Maybe it is in the not getting everything done, or taught, or cleaned, or organized in any given day that reminds all of us that our “independence” is really just a sign of the One who works through us: a sign of where our personal power really comes from. 

Alongside those lessons in learning to do things for themselves, our children can also learn to rejoice in their weaknesses, love their failings, and embrace their vulnerabilities. Because those are the moments that lead all of us, like little children, into the loving embrace of our heavenly Father. 

Share your thoughts with the Catholic Mom community! You'll find the comment box below the author's bio and list of recommended articles.

Copyright 2024 Charisse Tierney
Images: Canva