Overcoming Guilt in Grief

Johanna Stamps discusses the ways we can compound grief by thinking we have failed God.

“It's been five years. I pray for healing from my grief every day, and today feels as raw as the day it happened. What am I doing wrong?”   

I think Brené Brown has done an effective job of shedding light on our “shame” problem in the U.S., but I’ve noticed that shame extends even to those who are grieving.  

The thoughts sound like this: 

“I must not be a very good Christian if I’m still feeling like this.” 

“I can’t share my experiences with others. If I did, what would they think of me?” 

The understanding is that God will relieve the overwhelming pain of the loss, and life will immediately return to the way it was. And if it doesn’t, “Well, then I’ve done something wrong.” 

If the loss of others didn’t break my heart, hearing these thoughts do. After suffering debilitating loss, some experience compounded grief, thinking they have failed God or been failed by Him. 

What if grief is different from other ailments we experience? What if there is an opportunity we might miss if we don’t know it’s there? What if grief is an experience of refinement—a place for our faith to become purer, like the finest gold? 

God wants us—all of us, every part of us. He will use every possible situation to draw us in toward Him, but we have to be open to it. 

If we decide to let God in, then grief can look like this: 

Learning trust:

Suddenly, you’re thrown into a situation that feels similar to being a toddler. Your thoughts aren’t clear, you feel like you’re relearning basic functions, and you can’t even trust your body in the way you once did. Each moment becomes an opportunity to experience God’s provisions. This was a hard thing for me to begin to understand. I was so used to taking care of myself. In almost every moment, I needed to ask for help but then watch as God ultimately did provide. 

Learning surrender:

The world feels like too much. The weight is unbearable. It can be overwhelming to carry grief and all its baggage in all its shapes and sizes. We have the choice to surrender that weight to God. He doesn’t want you to carry the load alone. 

Learning forgiveness:

It doesn’t matter the type of loss: job, divorce, the death of a loved one. There is usually someone to forgive. In my time of loss, I was reminded of how powerful I could feel in the victim’s seat. It was only through learning forgiveness that I became truly free. 

Click to tweet:
God will use every possible situation to draw us in toward Him, but we have to be open to it. #CatholicMom

Ask yourself these three questions:  

• What were your expectations of grief healing?   
• How do you want to use this time?   
• What is God calling you into during this time? 

Copyright 2023 Johanna Stamps
Images: Canva