Potty Trained. Now What?

With her youngest (finally!) out of diapers, Janelle Peregoy ponders the parenting lessons she's learned while potty training her kids.

When our youngest son moved out of the bassinet by our bed and into a crib, he joined his brother in the bedroom down the hall. To accommodate a bed and a crib, the boys’ dresser went into their closet under the hanging clothes.

The diaper changing station stayed in our bedroom on top of our dresser because it was the only obvious place at arm level. Our bed faces our dresser. So for the last few years, I have awakened to diapers. Figuratively and literally … well, mostly literally.

My youngest son took a while to potty train. He is a “I-do-everything-on-my-own-timeline” kind of guy so the prolonged process was pretty on brand for him. After getting a handle on staying dry during the day, he spent another 6 months learning to stay dry at night.

Then it was over. The Pull-Ups, wipes, lotions, and potions sitting on our dresser remain the final vestige of the diapering era.

I mean, isn’t this the best news ever? Won’t I be saving a gazillion dollars a year by not buying diapers? Won’t I now be able to carry a normal-sized purse? Won’t I be free to assume that the brown stain on my shirt is actually coffee?!

Trust me, I appreciate liberation.

From the vantage point of this new, non-diapering normal, I cannot help but reflect on how the lessons of potty training mirror parenting in general.

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Every Child is Unique

My older son is easily motivated by rewards, so every M&M did wonders in encouraging appropriate potty behavior. My youngest would walk out of the bathroom having immediately forgotten that he was supposed to get one. For the first couple of days, I proceeded to chase him around the house making sure he got his due reward. At some point, I had question who besides Mars Inc. was benefitting from the fact that I had inadvertently become a candy pusher.

What works for my oldest simply had no bearing for what works for my youngest. We cannot draw comparisons between our unique children.

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Laugh

My son had a poop accident just as I was dropping him off at daycare. I spent some time getting him cleaned up as the whole ordeal included a complete outfit change. I washed my hands after cleaning him. I successfully ushered him outside to a waiting teacher. Knowing that I still had a 40-minute commute ahead of me, I used the bathroom myself and again washed my hands.

I made it to work, got out of my car and went to open an outside door to the building. It was only then that I noticed that there was still poo streaked on the back of my left hand! To this day, I do not know how I managed that despite vigorously handwashing twice.

I sat outside my office door and just laughed. So hard. The alternative would have involved tears.

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Control & Expectations

A parent can plan obsessively. Read every book. Consult every other parent who has “successfully” potty trained. Yet, neither mom nor dad is the person learning how to use the toilet. Control is an illusion.

Only the child will ultimately determine when and where it all clicks. Kids, strangely enough, exist outside of their parents’ timeline.

Our parental expectations become more exaggerated as time goes on. We expect certain grades. We expect that our son or daughter will enjoy a particular extracurricular or sport because one spouse or the other happened to do so.

Modeling expectations and offering guidance are obviously important parts of parenting. We also have to give our children the space to find their own passions, draw their own conclusions and create their own solutions.

During the last “potty training boot camp weekend” that conveniently fit into my work schedule, everything was a disaster. By the end of Sunday, he was indiscriminately peeing all over the whole house in protest.

He was exhausted. I was exhausted. We decided to press pause on the potty-training. One week later, my son went to the potty for the first time of his own free will.

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Potty training is hard. So is parenting.

Looking back at this stage is a reminder that every parenting season brings unique graces and challenges. Every stage also reminds us as parents that we don’t have all the answers. A little humility can go a long way. Each of our beloved children are a child of God.

Ultimately, our children are on God’s timelines, not ours.

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