Remembering that Jesus Is at Work in Me

A long-overdue prayer time gave Betty Vertin an opportunity to find a Scripture verse with a message she needed to hear in that moment.

I had yet to run a brush through my hair and was still wearing the clothes I had on the day before (and had slept in) as I walked into the church, heading into an hour of Eucharistic Adoration. I looked as unkempt as I felt.

I was up most of the night before helping one of my sons use the restroom because he has Duchenne muscular dystrophy (DMD); he cannot get out of bed on his own and calls me when he needs me. I tossed and turned the other night hours as the toddler that had crawled into bed with us slept uneasily on top of my head.

My mother-in-law often substitutes my Adoration time for me when my schedule doesn't allow me to take my Monday noon hour, and she would have again if I had only asked. But I was determined to get there. My mother-in-law had already taken the previous four weeks for me because of scheduling conflicts.

I was craving the time alone in front of the Eucharist and asked her to watch the toddler, 20-month-old Callie. She went with me for the first year of her life, but now that she is walking, talking, climbing the kneelers, and trying to escape from the small chapel, it is hard to enjoy the hour of Adoration and much-needed quiet time.

I was exhausted and probably smelly because I had yet to shower, and I couldn't promise I had deodorant on, and I’m not sure my teeth were brushed.

That morning, I prioritized getting the five school-aged kids to school on time, wearing clean clothes with full bellies. That only allowed a little time for mom's hygiene. I hope I'm not grossing you out; I'm just trying to keep it accurate.

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I had not been to Adoration in weeks, and I could tell. I was less patient at home. My typically positive attitude was drifting to the negative side, among other things.

I sat there in silence for a long time. And then I opened a non-denominational prayer journal for women I had found at Walmart. It's a weekly journal, but I've used it only twice in the three months I have had it.

I opened it to a week that focused on Ephesians 3:20-21:

Now to him who can do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. (Ephesians 20:21, NIV)

I felt a literal pain in my chest. I had missed Adoration for a month. My prayer life was sporadic at best. My kids' schedules and needs were running my life. I’ve been running on fumes and stressed.

My oldest daughter is getting married. My oldest son, who has Duchenne, is graduating high school, and we are figuring out what college will look like for him. My youngest child is my most active and spirited toddler, and as a 43-year-old mom, it can be challenging.

In the next two months, two of my three sons with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy are going to be trying to enroll in a clinical trial that will require intense travel, extended stays, and sacrifice for my boys, for the entire family, but also me as the primary caregiver that will travel with and take care of them in the case of side effects or illness caused by the trial medication.

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I'm afraid what lies in front of me will require more than I can give. #CatholicMom

All moms are busy, and there are stressful seasons for all of us, and this one will be one of mine. And I’m scared. I'm afraid what lies in front of me will require more than I can give, and I’m worried that when it is all said and done, there will be nothing left, that I will be a shell.

I’m running around, wondering if I've put on deodorant. I’ve been trying to do it all myself, preparing to do it myself.

I hadn’t even realized it until I read this verse from Ephesians. The words, "immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine … is at work within us."

I need to keep the faith. Jesus can do more than I can even imagine, and He is at work in me. I can’t do it, but He can do it through me. No wonder I felt such a pull to get to Adoration because that was what I needed to hear. I don’t have to be afraid. I will not be an empty shell: I will be a vessel full of Jesus.

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