Self-Consciously Sinning?

Lilia Grundy strives to help herself and daughters battle the tug of war between ambivalence versus zeal for our Lord. 

Sitting Stuck 

As I reached for my purse, I nudged my daughters to get ready — I was pulling out money for the offertory baskets.  Only this parish was different from our own. As visitors at this Mass, we soon realized that baskets were not passed around as we were accustomed. Here, they invited members to walk up to deliver their gifts to stationed baskets at the altar.  

“Oh, in this case, please go and take this up,” I whispered to my girls. They remained frozen — perhaps timid (they are pretty shy) or maybe embarrassed to walk up the aisle?  

Either way, I continued to encourage them to go. “Please deliver it for Jesus,” I pressed. 

One of my twins finally decided to go, while the other sat still and stuck to the pew. I was glad that one of them chose to follow through, but a bit disappointed about their hesitancy and the other sister not accompanying her. I made a mental note to talk about it after Mass. 

The Struggle with Self-Consciousness  

The closing song came to a finish, and my daughters and I began to walk out of the church. I smiled to the young greeter who gave me a bulletin and commented that we had the same curly hair. He nodded in agreement.  

The girls looked at me as if to say, “Here we go again!” Yes, their mother is a talker. I love to smile, and I love to talk — ironic considering I was incredibly shy as a young girl. I was so bashful that I would hide behind my parents when their adult friends would ask me questions. 

In this way, I can totally relate to my girls’ temperament. I understand that they are not extroverted like me — and that’s okay. What I do want to teach them, however, is about something I’ve struggled with my whole life: self-consciousness. 

From Sin to Simple Successes 

I’ve vowed to help myself and my daughters push through the battle with self-consciousness. I’ve struggled with this tug of war between displaying zeal for our Lord versus ambivalence in doing things because of fear of what others would think of me.  

I shared with my daughters about my own challenges and how I’ve come to a place to admit to myself that it can be sinful behavior. They seemed curious and surprised.  

“Well, you see, if I’m too worried about what others think of me, then I become self-centered. And that’s prideful. I don’t want to give into that vice,” I explained. 

I continued to share that I have really worked on this issue these past couple of years. Some things that have helped me include: 

• Specifically praying and asking for the grace of “Un-self-consciousness”  
• Reading You Are Special by Max Lucado with my daughters 
• Making the effort to attend Adoration weekly and ask for assistance in this area 
• Offering small penances each day in sacrifice for others  

I’m focusing on being God-Conscious, and I’ve made little strides. I know this is a life-long work in progress and I intend to help my daughters do the same.  

If then you were raised with Christ, seek what is above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Think of what is above, not of what is on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ your life appears, then you too will appear with him in glory. (Colossians 3:1-4) 

Share your thoughts with the Catholic Mom community! You'll find the comment box below the author's bio and list of recommended articles.

Copyright 2024 Lilia Grundy
Images: copyright 2024 Judy McMorine, all rights reserved, used with permission