Setting Boundaries with your Children

Caitrin Bennett lists some ideas to help you and your children respect one another’s boundaries, and shares what has worked for her family.

Recently, I read a Facebook post in a moms’ group and I could definitely relate to that struggle. A woman, whose children were constantly getting out of bed to complain about one thing or another, was crowdsourcing ways to protect the small amount of alone time she had each day with her husband. I was disturbed to see that several commenters shamed the woman for not “being there” for her kids anytime they needed her. This was sort of a last straw for me after several other recent experiences where friends showed a lack of boundaries with their kids, and I felt called to share on the topic. 

Before I go any further, I feel like I need to defend myself from similar commenters. I have been home with my kids since my oldest was born, and I am homeschooling them, too. I have made choice after choice to prioritize and “be there” for my kids. My kids are incredibly important to me. But they are not the only important thing in my life. In fact, my relationship with them is not even my most important relationship. First comes my relationship with God, next with my husband, and then our kids are third. 

Out of bounds 

Setting and keeping boundaries is an integral part of any relationship. If you do not have boundaries with your kids, you will go insane! Meanwhile, your kids will not be learning how to have boundaries in their own relationships, which is dangerous. Even if you are a full-time stay-at-home mom, you are not only a mom: you are a wife, a daughter, a friend, and a person with your own interests and goals. Being available to your children should not completely overshadow your personal mental health, your other relationships, or your progress towards your goals. You need to set boundaries to protect these other important parts of your life. 

In my household, we are on a fairly rigid schedule. Before our official wake-up time in the morning, after bedtime, or during afternoon quiet time, each child must either stay in his/her own room or read/play quietly in a common space. Unless it is an emergency, I answer any request during those times with “It’s bedtime; go back to your room, please,” or “This is Mama’s time; you can talk to me about that later.” All of this is beneficial to all members of our family. If I wasn’t strict about these timelines, I know for sure that I would not be able to continue homeschooling! 

My husband and I also do not let our children sleep in our bed or even go in our bedroom without our permission. Our children are not to touch our cell phones or laptops without permission, and they know that when we are chatting they need to wait for a break in the conversation and say, “Excuse me!” These are boundaries that are important and enforced for our family. They may not be the exact same boundaries you choose to set, but I encourage you to list a few that will work best for your family. 

Things you can (and should!) say to your children: 

• “[Item] is mine, and it’s special to me. Please do not touch it unless you have gotten permission from me first.” 

• “It is now [bedtime hour]. The rest of the night is Mommy and Daddy’s time to do our own things and spend time together. You may read quietly in bed, but unless you have an emergency, please do not leave your room.” 

• “It is not time to wake up for the day yet. Please go back to your room and read or play quietly, or go back to sleep.” 

• “I am talking to [person] right now. When I am done with this conversation, I can give you my full attention, but until then please do not interrupt me unless you have an emergency.” 

• “Mommy and Daddy’s room is our personal space. Please do not go into our room without our permission.” 

• “I am feeling overwhelmed by physical touch right now. I would like to watch you [dance, play, and so on] from this chair but please do not come sit on my lap or touch me for a few minutes.” 

How to show your kids your respect their boundaries, too: 

• “It looks like you could use some alone time right now. I am going to close the door and make sure everyone in the family knows to leave you alone. Whenever you are ready, come downstairs.” 

• “[Item] belongs to your brother. Did you ask his permission to use it?” 

• “Look, you got a letter from grandma! I did not open it because it is addressed to you, not to me.” 

• “You do not have to give anyone a hug or kiss if you do not want to right now.” 

• “Your sister is speaking right now. Please do not interrupt her.” 

Don’t feel bad when you set boundaries with your kids, Mmama! It protects your mental health and your other relationships, helps your children learn to respect you, and ultimately teaches them how to show respect for other people, too.  

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Copyright 2024 Caitrin Bennett
Images: Canva