Sleep Training, Attachment, and the Lies We Tell Ourselves

After hearing a friend rave about sleep-training, Allison Auth uncovered the lies she told herself when her kids were babies. 

Last month, a neighbor with a 10-month old came over for dinner. She was raving about how well it was going after they had recently sleep-trained their baby. She could now put him down awake, and he would fall asleep by himself and stay asleep. She felt so rested! 

Part of me was very happy for the sleep she was getting, because I know how hard sleep deprivation can be. But part of me felt guilty because I had never really been able to sleep-train my children. Without any jealousy towards her whatsoever (because my five kids are now ages 4-14 years old), I had to examine where this guilt came from. Through prayer and reflection, I discovered some lies I was still holding onto from those early years of parenting.  

Lie #1: I could have been a better mom 

When you are tired, everything in your life becomes that much harder. It’s easy to look back and wonder if maybe the postpartum depression wouldn’t have been so bad if I had gotten more sleep, had sleep-trained, or figured out how to let them soothe themselves. I nursed on demand for well over a year with each child — I nursed them to sleep, and I knew no other way. But it often left me feeling tied to the child when sometimes I just wanted to be alone, and maybe my mental health could have been better had I tried different sleep routines.  

Lie #2: I’m a failure at motherhood 

My first two children were notoriously not-good sleepers, and it was easy to assume the lie that it was my fault because I failed to figure out why.  Why were they colicky? Why did they wake up every two hours for those four months? I hate hearing babies cry, and after my third baby would cry so hard he threw up several nights in a row, we quit the sleep-training game. When I hear about the amazing sleepers other moms have, it’s easy to think that they’ve got a magic touch I don’t have, and that somehow I’m inherently defective. Or, I’d hear that it is healthy for babies to get long stretches of sleep, so maybe I’d ruined their health. 

Speaking Truth to the Lies 

Once I was able to identify those touchpoints of guilt, I was able to speak truth to them. I’m not even sure I buy into sleep-training, since babies need someone to soothe them to learn how to regulate themselves. Also, the constant reassurance that someone is there for them while their brains are developing is important for attachment.  

In the moment, nursing for years with each kid felt like forever, but as they got older, they nursed less, and now it’s a distant memory. The bond I have with my children is very strong, and perhaps holding on to them when they were young was worth the sleep deprivation. Everyone sleeps through the night just fine now, so it doesn’t seem to make a difference in the long run anyway. 

Every baby goes through stretches of good sleep and bad sleep. Although there were exhausting times, I can also recall telling other moms what a good sleeper my baby was at certain ages. These are just the ups and downs of parenthood — whether it’s a baby, stomach bug, night terrors, or even teenagers — there are many times of sleep-deprivation while raising children. But on the other hand, what a gift to sacrifice for our kids in this way. This letting go of control and surrendering to the needs of our children is part of our path to sanctification.  

In addition, it is never beneficial to play the “what if” game. What if we had tried this strategy? What if we had used this sleeper? That’s all in the past now. Spending time dwelling on past possibilities stunts our ability to stay in the present.   

Finally, how well your child sleeps does not define your worth as a mother. So many conversations between mothers of babies revolve around their sleep schedule, when its really a personal discernment in your unique situation. It’s a delicate balance between soothing and sleep, and there aren’t really any right answers. 

 I wanted to write about this because if I felt guilty, then I’m not the only one. Just make sure that you are not comparing or finding your identity in your sleep schedule. They don’t stay babies forever and I promise you, one day you will sleep through the night again.  

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Copyright 2025 Allison Auth
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