So Many Questions

Rachel Watkins ponders the difference in the questions our children ask, from toddler to teen—and our need to be open to the tough questions.

How many questions have you answered in your lifetime? Think of your years as a student when raising your hand or being called on. Depending on how many years of school you have, the number would surely be in the thousands.

How many questions have you answered as parent? Think about the years with an inquisitive 4- to 7-year-old, and how many of those have you raised? Now, the number of questions and answers has exponentially increased—in a single day. Why is the sky blue? Why does the dog smell? What’s for dinner? (always asked just after the last bit of lunch is gone).

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Asking questions is a part of every child’s DNA, until it isn’t. When my children were little, the house would buzz with a myriad of questions asked almost every moment of every day. They were both practical, “How does a toaster work?", and outlandish, “How many Lego bricks would it take build a bridge from New York to London?”**

But, now with teenagers, those innocent questions of both sorts have all but dried up. I’m no longer have to answer the question of why snakes don’t have hands or feet but can climb trees because teens are less likely to think out loud as they once did. Now, I am left wondering what questions they are mulling over in their teenage silence.

In the June issue of Magnificat, Fr. Sebastian White, O.P. tells us,

By way of background when our Lord Jesus asks questions throughout the Gospels, it is not to gain information, as we do but in order to open a soul to His love and to give graces.

This struck me as my teen children have facing some very challenging situations creating complex questions. From problems in the Church to problems in the world, I know my teens have a lot of questions, as do I. But now, our roles seemed reversed and I am asking them questions and few of them are easy. In these situations, I need to approach them with Jesus’ heart. Not seeking knowledge so much as to find out where their soul is and what graces to pray for.

As a modern mom, the tough questions include what they are seeing on their phones or watching online. What are their worries about mass shootings or violence against others due to religion or race? What about their own mental health?

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Even harder, what their feelings and attitudes about abortion, gender confusion, and same-sex attraction issues? We cannot pretend or even hope our teens don’t know about these issues as our society is swimming in them. The communal pain we have with June as the month of the Sacred Heart also becoming a month highlighting those living outside of Christ’s teachings is gut-wrenching. During this time of special grace can we ask Christ’s own heart to help ours and ask our older children some questions?

Granted, “What do you think about [fill in the blank with whatever topic causes you the most discomfort]?” might illicit only silence. But even the asking lets our children know that we are aware of the world’s issues. And letting them talk, if they will, without solving the problem or giving an immediate answer will be one of the hardest things we do as parents. Just as children are wired to ask questions, we parents are wired to give immediate answers. And our weariness from answering dozens of questions every single day for years often wires us to be abrupt, curt and to the point: “The glue is in the drawer where it belongs.”

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Remember, the toughest questions always have the toughest answers. If you are able to get your child to start talking about a topic you know is difficult for them and you, don’t feel the need to rush to an answer. You may need to talk to a professional or find an expert and talk again, and then again. By listening to how they feel, letting them talk about a difficult topic without needing to be an immediate know-it-all lets them know that we care. We are, as Jesus did, trying to open their souls to His love.

Of course, you will need to talk to them about what the Church teaches and why. Of course, they need to be fully formed so as to face the lies of the world with the truth of Jesus. But these two parts of the whole—the tough question and a well-thought-out answer—usually don’t happen at the same time.

During this time of special grace can we ask Christ’s own heart to help ours and ask our older children some questions? #catholicmom

Toddler questions are just a warm-up to a teen’s questions. The first come quickly and non-stop but rarely have lifelong consequences: not so the teen’s. They are harder and matter more; as a result they are worth our hard work and dedication. Being a parent is a lesson in remembering that we have been endowed with the gifts of wisdom and knowledge, poured out by the Holy Spirit at Pentecost and in our own Confirmation. It is up to us to remember to open those gifts again and again when dealing with the tough questions we face as parents.

**(How many Lego bricks? Approx. 350 million. according to “what if” Serious Scientific Answers to Absurd Hypothetical Questions, Randall Munroe, Houghton, Mifflin, Harcourt, 2014)