Teaching Love Over Tolerance

Caroline Godin discusses the need to have frank conversations with children about what Catholics believe about love.

In a world riddled with more choices and loose rules on humanity, but strict rules on faith-sharing, it’s tough raising young Catholics. We want to teach our children right from wrong, truth from fiction, but the world’s agenda is far outside that realm, hiding behind claims of tolerance. Up is down and down is up when a boy can be a girl, or a child can change their identity or decide to whom they’re attracted before they’ve hit puberty. The world wants us to tolerate these fantasies, but it will not tolerate a Catholic viewpoint, seeing it as offensive. This is confusing enough for adults, much less a child! So, what do we do? How do we teach our children God’s Truth amidst all this confusion but still teach them to love?

First, we need to teach them love at home, true love. If God is Love, and Love wants no harm done, then love simply cannot tolerate just anything. Our children need to know that love and tolerance are not the same thing. Love is not love in the worldly sense. Love is sacrifice—not lust, not infatuation, not personal desire. Love is selfless and kind, but also willing to bear pain for the sake of the salvation of another. Love seeks the greater good and not mere fleeting feelings. Love is deeper than the present moment. Love looks beyond self and beyond the moment. Love searches for goodness and God is Good.

When we hug our children, they embrace us back. Our love in that moment gives them security. When we keep our children safe by not letting them cross the road or have a knife, they may get upset. Later in life, they will realize this too is love, but in the moment, it’s uncomfortable. Love does not always feel comfortable. Sometimes love is telling the truth or keeping one from harm despite one’s desires. Love desires the ultimate good of others. This is difficult for many to understand.

mom talking with children

In the process of teaching my children love, I tell them why as often as possible. I don’t want you eating all the candy because you’ll get sick. I don’t want you staying up late because we’re getting up early and you need sleep. They don’t have to like it right then, but they will still absorb the lesson and remember it later. I don’t even need to tell them why at that time. I can talk about it later. “Do you know why I said no this morning?” It’s a great discussion. I aim to have discussions around these things because the world will one day ask them. Now is the time to start equipping them with truth and understanding.

I’ll never forget the first time my daughter mentioned a gay classmate. She was in 3rd grade and sitting at the kitchen table and said, “Mama, is it a sin to be friends with someone who’s gay?” The question threw me. The funny thing is that my first reaction was, Why is this poor child thinking it would ever be a sin to be friends with someone? My immediate next thought was, Why in the world is this a thing in 3rd grade?!

I told her that it wasn’t a sin to be a friend to someone, no matter their thoughts or beliefs. I told her we were examples to others to help choose right, just like we need help choosing right. I also told her we shouldn’t encourage sin or just go along with it but should still love the person. We are no better than anyone else as we’re all sinners. I then let her know that this kid is way too young to have any idea what she wants and shouldn’t even be thinking of these things at age 8! It was probably one of the many moments I told her the world is messed up. My children have adopted that mentality.

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Our children need to know that love and tolerance are not the same thing. #catholicmom

These days, both of my older children are friends with quite the variety of young people. Some want to change their names or pronouns, but my kids have kindly said they can’t play along. The relationships they’ve built are such that none of those friends are offended by this and understand my kids’ beliefs. Imagine that! The super left liberal young people are tolerating Catholic beliefs because of the relationships built with them. We can change minds and be accepted for who we are as Catholics. We can teach our children that they don’t have to go along with someone else’s beliefs. We don’t have to be afraid about hurt feelings and offending someone with the truth if it’s done so with love.

These are not their only friends and therefore not their only influence. They have Christian friends as well. We’ve had discussions about people influencing others and how exposure can wear a person down to tolerate inappropriate behavior. They come to us with many questions and often I find myself reminding them that love does not mean acceptance of unloving or ungodly acts or thoughts. Some of their friends have changed their minds about who they thought they wanted to be. I hope my children were the influence those kids needed to realize that they were enough before they thought they were someone false. My kids were loving them for who they were truly, not just tolerating their fancy like the world would have us do.

In the end, I tell them we may not be accepted for our beliefs. We may be seen as hateful or as enemies. I remind them that this world is temporary, and God has overcome the world (John 16:33). I remind them that sometimes, we need to wipe the dust from our shoes (Matthew 10:14) and move along when we’re not accepted, and that’s okay. Still, we must love more than tolerate. In the end, God has the ultimate say.

children climbing on parents