The Lie that We Don't Belong

Examining the origins of a feeling that she didn’t belong at Church as a divorced mom, Monica Portogallo resolves to let go of the guilt behind it.

I was talking with my sister the other day, and the topic of church came up. I told her that even though I am still active in my parish, I feel less like I belong there since I left a marriage that had become dangerous. She asked, “Did someone at church say or do something to lead you to feel that way?”

I thought for a moment, and said, “You know, that’s the weird thing. Not one person from my parish has been anything but kind and supportive. I don’t know where it comes from.”  

I thought about it for a while, and I started to see where this lie was coming from. 

Strawmen of Catholic teaching  

A lot of people in the world, often through ignorance or anger, will create and spread strawman versions of Catholic teaching. They will create a distorted version of the actual, nuanced Church teaching — a version that is much easier to reject or dismiss as nonsense.  

Now did anyone I know in my real parish tell me I was wrong to leave my husband? Not in the least! In fact, my Bible study leader told me her canon lawyer friend says that one could argue it is against Church teaching to put a person and her children in harm’s way by staying in a marriage where there is abuse.  

So where did I get this idea? Popular culture versions of Catholic teaching. Smug lay young adults on social media making blanket statements about marriage. It was not from anyone in the actual place where I felt like I didn’t belong … except for me. 

Sadness disguised as guilt  

On one level, I know I made the right decision to separate from my husband. I had tried everything I could possibly do to make things better, and his behavior only got worse. For months I prayed for guidance, and multiple times, God made it clear what His will was.  

At the same time, I am deeply sad that my marriage couldn’t work. I’m even more sad that my children don’t get to grow up in a home with both parents. Through circumstances beyond my control, I was not able to give my children the kind of childhood I wanted to give them.  

Sometimes, when that sadness is in the forefront of my mind, it shows up as guilt. If I were smarter, I could have figured out a way to understand and neutralize his capricious temper. If I had been a better housekeeper, mother, lover, cook, or whatever bothered him on any given day, he would have been happier and kinder to the children and me.  

Thankfully, my rational side talks me out of these misplaced feelings of guilt pretty quickly. Still, I think sometimes I project this guilt as judgment from others who are not actually judging me. 

Lies from the Father of Lies  

Ultimately, I can see this is the kind of lie Satan loves: a subtle distortion of the Truth that leads someone away from God and His Church. It’s almost as good as quoting Scripture to tempt Jesus to sin.  

In the end, everyone seeking God belongs in God’s Church, regardless of their past. After all, Jesus didn’t wait for sinners to become perfect before He would associate with them; He welcomed them despite their imperfection, then invited them not to stay that way. 

Share your thoughts with the Catholic Mom community! You'll find the comment box below the author's bio and list of recommended articles.

Copyright 2024 Monica Portogallo
Images: Canva