Things I Learned from Mom

While writing a special list to cheer her mom, Andrea Vij remembered the importance of little everyday moments. 

Mom had been at the care center for just over a month when my brother called asking me to write her a letter. “Send me something I can read out loud to get her mind off how miserable she is.” He’d been visiting her daily and needed help. 

“I have an idea,” I said. “I’ll type it up and put it in the mail.” 

From my home in Massachusetts, I’d been calling Mom in Iowa every evening, but our conversations hadn’t gone well. Her second stroke — the one that landed her in the care center — had crushed her spirit and aggravated her dementia. Aside from a few random intervals when she seemed like her old self, Mom couldn’t see beyond her own frustration. She could hold it together when the nurses were around, but as soon as they left, her mood would crash. My brother hoped that getting an old-fashioned letter in the mail would lift her spirits and give her something to talk about. Maybe it would spark a few memories.  

A List Takes Shape 

Instead of a standard “Dear Mom” type of thing, I decided to put together a list of bullet points. I sat at my computer and typed out a title: “Things I Learned from Mom.”  

But where to begin? I closed my eyes, took a breath, and tapped absently on the home row with my fingertips. Mom had never been overly sentimental, so I decided to start with practical things.  

• Never be late for work. 

• You don’t need the most expensive clothes, as long as you look neat and clean. 

• If your meatloaf won’t hold together, add another egg. 

Then I remembered that time in grade school when I’d wanted to get revenge on a classmate for being mean to me. Mom had put her foot down.    

• When people treat you badly, kill them with kindness.  

More memories kicked in as I thought about summer vacations, afternoons in the kitchen, mornings before school, shopping trips, Sundays at church … of all the things Mom had taught me. What could I put in the list that might get her talking and remembering? 

• Don’t spend too much time in the sun. 

• Dampen the pie crust protectors with water before you put them on the pie. 

• Never leave the house with chipped nail polish. 

• Keep some “mad money” in your purse just for fun. 

• Be early for Mass, sit near the front, and don’t leave until the last song is over. 

I thought back to the wise words Mom had shared when my husband and I were preparing to adopt. After I’d told her how nervous I was about everything that could go wrong, she’d said exactly what I needed to hear.  

• Little kids just need to know somebody cares about them. Then they’ll be okay. 

Finally, at the bottom of my list, I put two items that were so quintessentially Mom that she never would have thought to say them out loud — but my own life showed how significant they were. 

• Plant lots of flowers every spring. 

• Marry a good man. 

My list had become more than a set of bullet points. In writing it, I’d felt a powerful need to remind Mom, and myself, of the person I’d always known her to be: a woman of strength, laughter, purpose, and standards. A great lady who had made our house a home and had taken wonderful care of her family. Mom had always known how to enjoy life, and I believed she could still enjoy it now. 

I put a stamp on the envelope and dropped it in the mail. Then I waited.  

Before and After 

I wish I could say the list changed everything, but it didn’t. My brother told me he read it to her one afternoon and she reacted to a couple of things. They talked a bit, but it didn’t pull her out of her discontent in the way we’d hoped.  

Mom lived for two years in the care center before passing away, and there were good days and bad. Her constant desire was to move back home, which never happened, and I suspect that deep down she knew it wouldn’t.   

I’d initially written my list to make Mom feel better — about her life, her legacy, and the impact she’d had. Ultimately, though, I was the one who got to feel better — not about the way Mom’s life played out at the end, but about the way she’d lived until two strokes took away the confidence and sense of humor she’d always relied upon. Remembering who she was before the strokes helped me to understand, and to love, the person she became after. 

Those little everyday moments mean more than we know. I learned that from Mom. 

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Copyright 2025 Andrea Vij
Images: (top, center) Canva; (bottom) copyright 2025 Andrea Vij, all rights reserved.