Tips for Raising Teens, Part 1

Betsy Kerekes shares five helpful phrases from her book, Be a Happier Parent or Laugh Trying, to keep handy when raising teens.

In confession recently, I told the priest that I’m easily annoyed by one of my daughters — the teenaged one. He said, “Well, then, that’s excused.” Priests don’t need to be married and have children of their own to get it. Teens are tough, but here are five phrases you can use to help make life with a teenager a little easier.

“Here’s what needs to be accomplished today.”

Try that phrase rather than, “This is what I need you to do,” or “Do this now.” Teenagers want to be treated more like adults and less like kids. They also want to feel in control rather than being told what to do by the parent. Accomplish this by telling them what needs to get done and allowing them latitude as to when they do it. For instance, say, “This needs to be done before dinnertime.” You’ll get less resistance this way — especially if they can’t eat until the appointed task is completed.

“What do you think you should do?”

In instances where it’s not about assigning chores, but helping your teen problem-solve on his or her own, use the above phrase. This also avoids having your teen feel like you’re constantly telling him or her what to do. For instance, before my younger girls’ bedtime is book time. Once when I announced book time, my thirteen-year-old started crying because she’s at that age where every little thing sets her off, and because she had planned to play a game with her sisters. She was upset there wasn’t enough time. I asked if she preferred the game over listening to The Fellowship of the Ring.

Then I sat back and watched her work it out: “I was looking forward to playing. Finishing my homework took too long. There isn’t time for the game now.” And finally, “I guess we might as well read.” Good choice, and she stopped crying because she had made the decision on her own. That was preferable to me telling her what was going to happen, whether she liked it or not.

"Who will remember this one week from now? Or two weeks from now? Or even a month from now?”

Teenagers are embarrassed easily, believing all eyes are on them all the time. When I would complain about some horrifying incident that had happened to me at school, my mom would ask me the above questions. The answers, inevitably, were practically no one, if anyone, besides me. Why? Because everyone else was focused on their own embarrassments and whatever new crazy thing happened that day. By tomorrow, it would be something different and my thing would be old news. No matter how mortifying an event may be, it will be forgotten or replaced by some other poor schlub’s misfortune soon enough.

"Don't sweat the small stuff."

My dad knew better than to tell me, as a teenage girl, that I was overreacting, even though I likely was. However, he did gain traction with "Don't sweat the small stuff." In the grand scheme of life, wearing the same dress as another girl is no big deal. Suggest your teen make a joke about it being the new uniform. Being able to laugh at oneself is a great quality which makes a person more likeable. Plus, if you’re laughing too, everyone else can only be laughing with you, not at you.

“It wasn't meant to be,” or, “It wasn’t in the capital-P Plan.”

Use those phrases interchangeably when your teen is disappointed about something not going his or her way. We may never know why something happens the way it does, but we can trust that God has his reasons, and they are the best. One day we may find out, but for the time being, it’s best to let it go, especially when there’s nothing more that can be done.

Click to tweet:
Teens are tough, but here are five phrases you can use to help make life with a teenager a little easier. #catholicmom

Now that I’m a full-fledged card-carrying member of the adult world, I can see how trivial those teen traumas were. None of it really mattered in the grand scheme of my life. Telling my teenaged daughters that their woes will one day be meaningless probably won’t earn me any points (even if I’m right), but commiserating in a “that really stinks” way, does help. Then, when she walks away, somewhat calmed down, throw your eyes heavenward and ask your heavenly Father, “Was I ever like that?” Then stick your fingers in your ears and say, “Na na na na,” so you can’t hear the answer.

Editor's note: Look for Tips for Raising Teens, Part 2 in June 2021.

Copyright 2021 Betsy Kerekes
Images: Canva Pro