Walking with Others as They Carry their Cross

MaryBeth Eberhard ponders how friends can relieve our burdens even without picking up our crosses.

It’s beautiful to witness someone being helped. We think of times we have been the silent giver and times we have been the surprised receiver. Watching someone receive always spurs in my heart an increased yearning to give to others. I have an innate desire to bring joy to other’s hearts and that is healthy, when I keep it in check.

“The cross is the school of love,” says Saint Maximilian Kolbe. There is much to reflect on here. The cross teaches how to love! Though so heartfelt in their origin, I have seen many friendships break because others find the weight of my cross too heavy for them to carry. My heart cries out to them to please, put down my cross. The size of my family, the special needs of my family, and the logistics that we manage are not too much for us to bear. They are in fact necessary for us to be formed more closely to Christ. They are heavy sometimes, sure, but each of us has been equipped with the grace to persevere, and in our suffering, we are refined.

Often, we see someone whose life appears to have challenges that are overwhelming to us, and we want to lessen what we perceive as their burden. These attempts, often so good in intention, can hinder the growth of that person or family and exhaust the well-intentioned person, for it was not God’s design for them to walk that path for and take our cross. Consider that Simon of Cyrene only carried Jesus’s cross for a short time. As heavy as it was, as weary as it made Jesus; it was the Father’s will that Jesus walk that path. Without the cross, there is no death. Without the death, there is no resurrection.

It’s a tricky thing having a servant heart and wanting to help; having your cup filled by helping others. It is also a tricky thing to have a need and humbly pray or ask for help. That realization is key. The skill lies in prayerfully discerning if and what help is actually needed. There have been innumerable times that our family has needed help of all kinds throughout the past fifteen years. There have also been times when friends saw our family, our schedule, our grocery carts, our laundry, our bills and thought we couldn’t possibly manage, and offered to help. There have been times when we have needed that help and times when we were on top of our game. We have learned over the years to accept help when it is offered, for the most part, because it allows others to share their gifts and encounter Jesus in the moment of giving.

A few very memorable times however, we have been called out by friends for being too much. We have been told that they simply cannot give what we need, and they step away weary and exhausted. This in some ways reminds me of the man who wanted to follow Jesus but could not give up everything. He wanted to follow Jesus, but he wanted to keep control.

I’ve spent many years reflecting on this. At first, I owned the lie. Yes, we simply are too much. Hurt, shaken, and gun shy, I closed our doors and closed us off, because I became afraid of burdening others by our life. But through prayer and a very real look at our situation, I have come to realize that our perceptions of what a family going through a difficult time might need are not based on their needs but on our own desires. We desire to help those in need, and that is truly good, but we must remember that our gift of helping in whatever capacity they might need must be momentary. For the moment we step in and take someone else’s cross as if it were ours to carry and we don’t give it back to them, it will become too much for us, for it was never meant for us in the first place. St. John Vianney reminds us that “You must accept your cross; if you bear it courageously, it will carry you to Heaven.” 

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We can help people carry their own cross in many ways, without taking it off their backs. #catholicmom

It’s a tough balance to be sure, for we have been told to lighten other’s loads, and ease each other’s burdens. Galatians 6:2 says to, “Carry each other’s burdens and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ.” However, there are many ways to carry one’s burdens. The other day found us back in the emergency room for one of my children. A very routine bone break had ended with a 10-hour trip due to the unknowns with his disability. During that time, I checked my phone and saw a knock-knock joke from a friend. I remember smiling and thinking, “Yes! This is what I needed!”

I called that friend, who is a problem solver and wants to ease all the struggle in my life and told her how perfectly timed and truly necessary her joke was. We can help people carry their own cross in many ways, without taking it off their backs. Consider the impact of Saint Veronica who wiped the face of Jesus but didn’t take his cross.

Families of special needs children do need breaks. Any family with an extraordinary cross appreciates a reprieve of its weight but seeks to go back to that cross, because in it we feel closer to Jesus. It fits us uniquely because we are equipped to carry to the end and in that carrying, we are redeemed. So, if you find yourself carrying someone else’s cross for an extended period of time, and you are weary and burdened by it, put it down. Take their hand, spiritually and/or physically and walk beside them. For sometimes the best way to love someone is to simply walk beside them and let them know they are not alone.

Copyright 2021 MaryBeth Eberhard
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