What Does Actual Self-Care Look Like?

Janelle Peregoy looks beyond social media's self-care stereotypes to discover ways to promote healing for our bodies, minds, and spirits.

I have come to loathe the so-called wellness industry. They have promoted a false sense of self-care, one in which women can bubble-bath our way through life’s challenges.  

During Mental Health Awareness Month (and really anytime), we moms owe it to ourselves to be candid and transparent with each other. 

Real talk about the real need for real self-care

Firstly, let us acknowledge some basic truths. The United States, unlike other high-income countries, offers no consistent paid family leave policies. Childcare and early childhood education is prohibitively expensive in many communities. Compared to prior generations, families are often geographically dispersed, and couples may struggle to connect with networks of family and friends. No number of candlelit massages can undo these structural realities. 

Actual self-care requires deeper reflection. Actual self-care promotes healing for mind, body and spirit. Actual self-care requires integrity; we need to better align our values with where we are actually prioritizing our time and energy. 

What might healing look like for mind, body, and spirit?

Mind:

Establish boundaries within our relationships. Boundaries can be created a myriad of ways: frequency, duration, or even topics of conversation. The important piece is clearly stating your boundary to the individual and enforcing a reasonable consequence if the boundary is broken. Another area where we can care for our mind’s well-being is to limit the use of social media. Online profiles often project narrow personas that may or may not correspond to reality, which inevitably leads to comparison. 

Body:

Caring for our physical self helps ensure that we have the energy and capacity to care for others. Nourish the body by eating well. Exercise, which does not have to mean sweaty reps at the gym. It means finding forms of movement that are enjoyable enough (dance parties with the kids, nature hikes, or yoga classes, for example) to want to do over and over again. Consider your bedtime routine and sleep hygiene; make it a priority to get enough rest. Do not “numb out” with alcohol, drugs, or other excesses. 

Spirit:

Prioritize spending time with God. Attend Mass regularly. If you frequently attend Mass with young children, consider the occasional daily Mass by yourself. It may be an opportunity to engage more fully in the holy. Seek the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Honest conversations within the sacrament may be an opportunity to delineate real growth areas in your life and parenting from unnecessary mom guilt. Read the Scriptures; the lamentations found in the Psalms can offer their own sense of catharsis. Make the time to attend a personal retreat. 

Once our mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health seems better integrated, we can focus on the deeper, interior work. Ideally, we could explore the next questions through prayer: journaling or consulting a spiritual director or pastoral counselor. 

How do you want to live your precious life? How is God calling you? 

God is probably not calling you to eschew doing four loads of necessary laundry so you can binge-watch the newest episodes of Bridgeton. Maybe God is giving you permission to relax on the couch more. Maybe more relaxation comes with the greater self-awareness that there is good enough parenting. Maybe resigning from another PTA committee releases you pick up your guitar again and play at the occasional open mic night. 

We need to ask ourselves some difficult questions. Why are we on certain committees or volunteer for certain projects? Maybe you joined the parish development council because your background in fundraising is going to significantly contribute to the mission. Maybe you volunteered to chaperone an upcoming Girl Scout trip because you want to spend quality time with your daughter in a new environment. 

There are many valid and beautiful reasons why we do the things we do. 

We also do things because we feel obligated.  

We dislike saying no.  

We attempt to people-please. 

What does actual self-care require?

Meeting our individual self-care needs requires discernment. It requires being honest with ourselves about our current motivations. It requires being willing to change course when we see that our values are misaligned with our schedules. 

Actual self-care requires gentleness, patience, and kindness towards ourselves as we recalibrate our expectations.  

Let us grow and thrive together.  

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Copyright 2024 Janelle Peregoy
Images: Canva