What If We Didn't?

Megan Cottam commits to defending space for downtime amid expectations for a hectic family life.

Enter into a (not-so-hypothetical) scenario with me:

You need to have a serious conversation with your child. He or she is growing up and some natural life questions have emerged. When will you do this?

Well, not during the school year when all you can manage is to get food on the table, homework done, and hunt down the spirit-day wear or field trip money demanded by the next day. Every moment blurs into the next and months pass before you even notice.

Summer, you decide. We’ll chat during summer … after nature camp, before pool time, and in between vacation bible school and piano? Oh wait, and after dad gets back from the mission trip.

A few regular commitments and time evaporates faster than popsicle drippings on pavement.

As summer winds down, the calendar begins to explode with fall opportunities, and the cycle continues. It is impossible to stop. Or is it?

“Busy” is not something that happens to us. Busy is a way that we allow ourselves to wander through our days.

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Is this what God wills for our life? God’s verbs are to love, care, rest, and abide. These are not “busy” words. How can we trade in some of our busy habits for the intentional life of the Lord? Our family has begun to push back against busy in three ways.

Turn down good opportunities.

Each year, I enter conversations with other parents: “Which camps are your kids doing this year? Where are you going on vacation? Which pool did you join?” These questions imply that we say yes to all of these optional activities, and only make the choice of “which” instead of “what” to do with our time. Give yourself the freedom to say “no” to the assumed schedule of your children.

This summer, for example, we said “no” to a formal vacation. As it turns out, this “no” has freed our lives tremendously. We have explored local museums, playgrounds, and splashpads as the opportunities have presented themselves. Our favorite “trip” this summer was an impromptu stop at a roadside stand of blueberries where we ate ourselves silly.

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Schedule unscheduled time.

“What are you doing on Saturday?”

“I do not know.”

“Great, so you can do x, y, and z!”

We have conditioned ourselves to believe that if the calendar is blank, it can be taken by any request. If we are asked to do something, our only option for “no” is if another commitment is already on the calendar. This has been the easiest way for our family to unintentionally give away our time, piecemeal.

Good news: there is a way out! I challenge you to schedule “void” days. Simply put, mark a day on your calendar where absolutely nothing is allowed on it. What will you do with the day? Do not plan ahead. The gift is in the flexibility of having the family together, choosing to do whatever you desire.

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Remove the guilt.

In an attempt to live a slower life, there is the side effect of watching those around you. You will hear about all the vacations, camp, lessons, and one-time experiences that you missed. You will have less structure to your days. It can be easy to feel guilty for all that you are not providing your child.

But here’s the thing: There is no one experience that is going to make or break your child’s life.

Read that again.

Children are grown and formed in the daily rhythm of life, and the little moments matter more than the world gives credit. The act of being together and being present is a gift to your children. Coming back to my original scenario, the only way we have time for deep questions with our children is to be present with them for more than the 8-minute car ride to camp.

Click to tweet:
The only way we have time for deep questions with our children is to be present with them for more than the 8-minute car ride to camp. #CatholicMom

As the school season emerges on the horizon, we can fill every inch of our calendars between now and December with fall festivals, pumpkin photos, lessons of every capacity, and several sports seasons. We can survive another season of stress and busyness in pursuit of “giving our children the best life.”

… but what if we didn’t?

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