What's a Mother-in-Law to Do?

Elena LaVictoire offers six ways mothers-in-law can build better relationships with their daughters-in-law.

I love looking at reels on Instagram. They’re filled with things that make me laugh out loud or teach me something new. But lately they’ve also been filled with a lot of disparaging remarks by younger women about their mothers-in-law! It’s not just in the reels either. Comments are full of anecdotes of inconsiderate, rude, and even cruel mothers-in-law.

I can’t relate. My own mother-in-law was very supportive, but she was also very hands-off. She never popped in unexpectedly, but she always seemed to enjoy when we came to visit her. One of my favorite memories of my mother-in-law involved a brand-new stylish raincoat that I purchased for myself when I started making my own money.

I came home after work one day and carelessly left my new coat on the back of a kitchen chair. The next day I noticed that there was something oily all over one side of the front of my new coat. Someone had accidentally shaken salad dressing on my coat when they were fixing something to eat.

I was really upset. This was my only nice dress coat, purchased with my own money and now it was ruined.

I shared my tail of woe with my mother-in-law and she insisted that I leave the coat with her for a few days. She thought she might be able to get the stain out. It quickly became a quest for her. She tried her favorite cleaning products and even things like salt and lemon.

When I would drop by, she would regale me with stories about what she had tried since my last visit to remove the tell-tale stain. It sort of became our thing. I don’t think she ever got the stain out, and eventually the stain started to fade because the fabric was getting threadbare! But that incident brought us a little closer. Maybe it was because she was trying to help and I let her. That give-and-take gave us a relationship as women together, separate from our relationship with her son and my husband.

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My own daughter-in-law put it this way: “Even though we want independence, we still want our moms to reach out and ask us how our days are (and vice versa—this is a two-way street). But when we both put it the effort, it feels as though the weight of the relationship is equal.”

I think she nailed it. The women in my Instagram reels are upset because relationships with their mothers-in-law aren’t comforting or comfortable! They feel condescended to and even cast aside. That feeling seems to be the most prevailing in ladies who have just delivered babies but are made to feel more like used vessels when they should be honored as life-giving women who just did something incredible!

Click to tweet:
Trust that our sons married wise women. #CatholicMom

So what’s a mother-in-law to do? Here are some thoughts.

Take the opportunity to befriend your daughter-in-law. You’re going to be family for a long time. Get to know her and appreciate her for her own merits.
Don’t be pushy. Trust that our sons married wise women. You can maybe gently offer counsel and advice but if they go another direction, just be supportive.
Give grace! Life is busy and a short remark or not answering a text right away might have nothing to do with you! Give the benefit of a doubt.
Apologize when you’re wrong. And on the other side, be gracious when your daughter-in-law apologizes to you! Don’t carry or feed a grudge. Give it to God and let it go.
Find ways to serve your daughter-in-law. Maybe it’s suggesting a book, or a web site. Maybe it’s popping over (calling or texting first!!) to help with meals or laundry after the birth of a baby. Maybe it’s just talking on the phone or laughing in texts and messages.
Be grateful. And remember to pray for your daughter-in-law too. Your son was your little boy, but he’s not a saint - yet!

Older women should be reverent in their behavior, not slanderers, not addicted to drink, teaching what is good, so that they may train younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, chaste, good homemakers, under the control of their husbands, so that the word of God may not be discredited. (Titus 2:3-5)

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