When Adult Children Struggle, What's a Mom to Do?

Margaret Dwyer Hogan, realizing she can't control the challenges her adult children face, found a way to take them to prayer.

Have you ever stood by and watched your adult children struggle with something? Maybe a relationship, depression, or addiction. It is hard in these moments to embrace that we have no control. They are adults; as a priest once told me, “Your job as a parent is to walk next to them, be present to them.” In other words, we can’t fix it.  

Perspective on suffering

This morning during prayer, dwelling on a struggle my very self-sufficient oldest daughter is going through, I picked up a book in my stack of prayer companions.  

Here is what I found when I opened it: 

It is rough treatment that gives souls as well as stones their luster. The more the diamond is cut the brighter it sparkles, and in what seems hard dealings God has no end in view but to perfect our graces. He sends tribulations, but tells us their purpose, that tribulations worketh patience, and patience experience, and experience hope. (Thomas Guthrie, quoted in Grace: Quotes & Passages for Heart, Mind, and Soul, edited by B. C. Aronson) 

At sixty years of age, I have come to understand that our crosses in life, whatever they may be, are in hindsight gifts of a sort. They can clarify things for example that maybe we take for granted — like mobility if you are struggling with a crippling physical ailment. Or, in my case, having a wonderful, loving supportive husband after experiencing abuse and mistreatment in a relationship in my twenties.  

We have to trust in God's plan

We all have our stories. And our children do as well. Stories being written, challenges being faced. As difficult as it is to see them struggle or suffer, we have to trust in God’s divine plan for their life. I won’t ever encourage my children to allow others to mistreat them by not calling out what I would call a red flag. I won’t simply stand by and watch them struggle with addiction without speaking the truth about the addiction.  

However, I am called not to lecture, but to walk with them and love them as they are — and trust that God will use these experiences to “cultivate patience, and experience (His) hope.”  

Thank you, Lord, for answering my prayer this morning — not by lifting the afflictions facing my children, but rather helping me come to a deeper acceptance of how these challenges will amplify their luster in their lives and our world.

Share your thoughts with the Catholic Mom community! You'll find the comment box below the author's bio and list of recommended articles.

Copyright 2024 Margaret Dwyer Hogan
Images: Canva