When You Want to Give In

When Jen Scheuermann found herself struggling to keep her Lenten fast, a Scripture verse became the prayer template she needed.

Does It Really Matter?

Getting home after a long day, I walked into the kitchen and immediately spotted the open package of Girl Scout cookies on the counter. I blamed my teenage son for their presence; however, in all fairness, he knew nothing of my Lenten plans to avoid the pre-packaged, processed items I so often grab out of convenience, opting instead for whole, natural foods.

The cookies had actually appeared in my kitchen several days earlier; but then the package was sealed: a helpful deterrent as I resisted the temptation to eat one. Now, however, the package was open, and it seemed to be calling my name. It was late, well past my bedtime, and my early dinner had long worn off. Should I eat something? If I went straight to bed, would I be able to fall asleep? Or would I find myself in bed, awake, listening to my growling stomach?

Approaching the counter with the cookies, my inner dialogue began:

Jen, you don’t need a cookie.

I know … but what does it matter if I just eat one?

This is clearly a pre-packaged pantry item: the type you gave up for Lent!

But that seems so arbitrary now! Does eating or not eating a cookie actually mean anything? 

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I paused, overcome by a sense of déjà vu, as just a few days earlier I’d had a similar conversation with myself:

Jen, you don’t need your earbuds.

I know … but does it matter if I just bring them with me?

You decided to turn off all music and podcasts while walking the dog during Lent!

But this feels random! Does walking the dog in silence instead of while listening to a faith-based podcast actually mean anything?

It suddenly felt like Lent was going to be very long.

I believe! Help my unbelief!

Settling into my prayer chair the next morning, these one person exchanges came to mind. I was shocked at how quickly I was ready to break my Lenten fast and disappointed in my attempts to rationalize doing so. Neither of these traits was typical for me, and I wanted to understand why this year was different. I also hoped Jesus would strengthen me as the days continued!

Picking up my Bible, I flipped to Mark 9:14-29. This passage, where Jesus heals the boy with the demon, has chased me for weeks. It seems every homily, podcast, and blog post I’ve come across have all referenced it, and I know Jesus is inviting me to stay with it. I’ve spent time reflecting on Jesus, the boy’s father, the disciples, and even the spirit that has possessed the boy!

But as I read the passage again that morning, it was the father’s well-known proclamation of belief — alongside his admission of unbelief — that jumped off the page. 

Then the boy’s father cried out, “I do believe, help my unbelief!”  (Mark 9:24)

And in that moment, I knew the Lord was giving me the template for the prayer I needed to make my own as I continued my Lenten fasts:

Jesus, I believe saying No to packaged foods when I want to say Yes does matter, that it makes a difference — even if I can’t see it in the moment. Help my unbelief!

Jesus, I believe walking the dog in silence instead of while listening to a podcast does matter, that it makes a difference— even if I can’t see it in the moment. Help my unbelief!

Since then, I’ve said some version of this prayer throughout the day many times, and in my weakest moments it has helped strengthen my resolve.

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