You Aren’t Failing if Your Kids Are Suffering

Maria Riley shares an invaluable lesson about the crosses our children endure.

A Suffering Teen

I finally said goodnight to my daughter and collapsed in my bed. I had spent the majority of the day comforting a struggling teen. All I wanted to do was make her pain go away. I held her and she sobbed in my arms. I prayed and sang and offered all of the words of consolation I could think of, but her hurt didn’t end.

It has been many years since I could simply kiss a boo-boo and make the pain magically stop. Nothing I did or said seemed to make a difference. She fell asleep that night still in pain. I was powerless to help my daughter who was hurting so badly.

As is the case with so many of us, my daughter was hurting over several things. Her sorrow had been growing, and then a significant disappointment that day set her over the edge. She started crying about that one disappointment, but in no time, she was mourning over the many difficulties from the past few months. Some of the issues were entirely unrelated to me, but several of them were related to our family. Times I had to say no because of financial limitations. Times she felt neglected because my time and attention was given to a sibling in greater need. Times when I believe that if I had just done more or better, she wouldn’t be hurting so much.

Perceived Failure

After that long day, I had a good cry myself. I cried because she was hurting, but I think I mourned even more that I couldn’t stop my daughter’s hurting. I wanted to fix her, and I felt like I was failing her because she was suffering. I thought that if I was a good enough mom I would have known how to help her and take away her pain.

I turned to the Lord in prayer and was brought in my imagination to the foot of the Cross. I heard the Father ask me, “Do you think I failed as a parent because my Son suffered?” I shook my head no. I saw clearly: Suffering isn’t a sign of failure. Jesus lived a perfectly authentic life. He never sinned. He was in perfect communion with the Father. And yet he suffered terribly. He endured excruciating physical pain after the awful pain of betrayal and abandonment by most of his Apostles.

Our Role When They Suffer

As moms, we can be tempted to think that our job is to prevent and/or take away all of the pain of our children. When our kids are young, keeping them physically safe is an integral part of our job. We plug up outlets, strap them in five-point harnesses, and never leave them unsupervised. As our kids grow, so do their pains. Many times, like with my daughter, it is not a physical wound that we can see and treat. We aren’t rushing them to the emergency room, because their hurt is a wound of the heart.

We moms have a special ability to suffer with our kids. I have never known a mom who didn’t feel the pain of her children when they were suffering. This contributes to our distress when they are hurting. But we have to remember that their suffering doesn’t mean something has gone wrong. Their suffering doesn’t mean we failed them. Often, we aren’t even able to do anything about the circumstances that are causing our kids pain. We are powerless to help our children who are hurting.

That doesn’t mean there isn’t anything we can do. We can learn again from the Cross, this time from Mary, our model of perfect motherhood. She stayed with her Son during His terrible Passion. She suffered with her Son in a way that only a mother can. She didn’t try to make His pain go away. She didn’t try to change His circumstances. She was powerless to change His situation, but she demonstrates the unimaginable power of a mother being fully present to her child in His time of suffering. She endured with Him and ensured He was never alone.

When our kids are suffering, we might be tempted to think that it means we have failed them in some way. In reality, our job isn’t to keep our kids from ever hurting. Pain and suffering is a universal part of life. Our job is to sit with them, share their pain, and invite the Lord in to heal them in His time.

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Copyright 2026 Maria Riley
Images: (top, bottom) Canva; (center) iStockPhoto.com, licensed for use by Holy Cross Family Ministries