I know I signed up for this but...being a mommy is hard work. I mean, sometimes it's stressful. Sometimes (now don't tell anyone this), my children do not mind me. They simply do not listen. Was this part of the deal?
Sometimes, the cute little cuddly baby in my bed is unhappy. He cries. And nothing I do seems to console him. And I get mad and frustrated. Is that what was supposed to happen?
Sometimes, I wish I could go to work. Get up, drop off the kids at school, and head off to a job where adults are there all day. My bank account would look so much better right now if that were the case. I mean, I wouldn't spend all that money. We live just fine on my husband's salary, but having a whole other salary would be awesome! And I wouldn't miss my boys. Right?
Sometimes, I'm just a little resentful of those stretch marks. You know, the ones that linger on your tummy long after the toddlers have learned to say "No!" to every question that you ask. That skin that hangs over no matter how many crunches you do. (Well, maybe not me personally, but I have a friend who does crunches, I think.) My body isn't supposed to become so foreign to me, is it?
Sometimes, I'm so tired. Co-sleeping was supposed to make life easier. But that baby has been rolling around in my bed for what seems like years. He nurses, then cries, then sits up. "It's four am," I tell him, "please go back to sleep." He looks at me, babbles and grins. Then cries again. It would be easier if he was in his own bed, right?
Sometimes, homeschooling isn't the barrel of joy that I envisioned. The baby is cranky, the preschooler is annoying, the laundry needs to be folded. Sometimes my first grader sits at the table and cries. Sometimes he takes two hours to do 20 math problems. My life would be so much better if someone else were teaching him how to read? Right?
Sometimes I just need to vent. I just need to say out loud that this life I chose isn't always easy. It isn't always fun and it definitely isn't always fulfilling. But I know that any other life wouldn't be mine. And I wouldn't have moments like right now - where two of my boys are playing in the sandbox on this beautiful fall day with no threat of the stress of homework due tomorrow, or tests that will make the state happy. My two little guys can just run and play and enjoy being little boys and I am here for all of it. When my baby cries, I am the one who comforts him. When my little boy learns to read, it will be me who has taught him.
And for that and so much more, Lord, make me truly thankful. Amen.
Copyright 2009 Katherine Barron
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