Spending Can Create Person-hood

At 26, I still find myself having trouble controlling money. It always feels like it has a power over me. Money itself can be evil. Spending money can become additive, but hoarding it can also be taken to the extreme. There are times when hoarding gets the best of me. My hoarding is partially due to my upbringing, which I am working on slowly changing.

I grew up with a thrifty mother and a father who likes to spend. That usually is why couples balance each other out: one saver and one spender. I didn't get to go out to eat except on vacations, and my mother used coupons to buy groceries. When she did splurge on my brother and me, she didn't buy anything for herself. This negative view of spending was passed down to me, and I am still having trouble letting it go.

I see myself as unworthy and as less of a person. I often talk myself out of splurging, and then I continue to convince myself of my decision long after the fact. But in reality, I do not have a healthy view of money. I see it as something to hold on to and not enjoy. I am slowly getting used to splurging on myself sometimes. As I get a better grip on how to spend money, I feel my person-hood growing. I see myself more in the eyes of God and the way he loves me. His love makes me feel more important than money ever could.