Did you ever just - lose?
You have a friend. You share, you laugh, you trust.
But the friend suddenly - or perhaps it's little by little - doesn't seem want you anymore?
Not that the friend is mean about it. Just that she just doesn't count you in. That's it. You're out. You don't know why.
You still think she's a good person. She's always nice to you when you run into her. And you think, maybe it's in your head. But then, later, other things indicate that you really aren't in her life.
You ponder it. Did you DO something? Did you SAY something?
Did you FAIL her in some way?
Does she at least THINK you did?
You say to yourself, maybe she has her own issues and they've got little to do with you. The world does not revolve around you, you know.
Then it hits you, could she be JEALOUS of you?
A, B, C, D, All of the above? None of the above?
Should you... just up and ask her? You want to know, right? So you can fix it. Or at least put it behind you.
Yeah, but what if her answer hurts? What if you've done something really bad and she exposes it. Is it really worth digging up?
What if she doesn't give you an answer? Just dodges the whole thing?
What if she comes up with something completely ridiculous and you get mad? Let's face it, you're kinda mad now. You're mad that you're having this stupid conversation with yourself, AGAIN.
Then you see her and you're not mad. You are thinking, I still like you.
Maybe it's just gonna have to be okay as it is.
You shrug, roll your eyes, hand it to God, and move on.
And you stop wondering what happened. You stop caring what happened. (If anything. You never did know.)
You settle for Christian love which desires the good for the other person.
The old high-school you wouldn't have "settled." It would have hated her. It would have said she deserved failure, fatness, and to get a bald husband. The emotions would have ruled, tyrants that they are.
But you are older now. Old enough to have been misunderstood and survived. Old enough to have real problems that make you curl up on the bathroom floor and weep until you're dry.
This is not one of them.
Not even close.
You can wish her well and mean it. You can pray for her and hope nothing in her life is making her curl up on the floor and weep until she's dry.
You can at least know this, it's not you.
Is it really settling? This Christian kind of love that gets nothing in return?
Or is it just that God is calling you to be a different kind of friend?
Copyright 2011 Susie Lloyd
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