For years, it seems, this delicate word, this invaluable virtue has been a battle for me. From deep in my youth, a grave injustice had been inflicted upon me and the consequences of these acts, the lingering aftershocks, come at me in waves of distrust.
It has made trusting others so difficult through out my lifetime, even has created wedges between my beloved and me. It has invaded every friendship, every relationship I have ever had, ever since my own rational judgment matured into understanding the gravity and seriousness of the infraction I had endured.
Trusting others has been a God-given purpose in my life, I just believe it so from the depths of my heart and prayers. I picture Him yearning to have me overcome the sins of the past, by learning how to trust people in my life again. Oh the trouble with people in my life being human, and not perfect! So people will make mistakes, and I have to learn to take that risk. Trust them anyway, until they prove me wrong, that they truly don't deserve my trust.
Oh, how I distrust them without cause!
Then God, in his wisdom sent me a light this weekend. All the time I have been working on this most difficult virtue of trusting others, and he showed me something....the next step in my obvious training.
Over the course of this weekend, several things happened, where details are less consequential, where as the actions of others trusting me, overwhelmed me.
I relayed the accounts to my beloved. He asked me, "Wow, they really trust you, to ask you that, or to take your guidance on this. How do you feel about that?" Of course only him could be counted on asking that stereotypical therapist question, How do I feel about it.
How DO I feel about it?
Does that make sense at all?
I tell him, "I'm scared they trust me."
So he's confused. Of course. "Why would that scare you?"
"It's such a privilege. What if I steer them wrong, what if I have been working on trusting others so much, that in the end, I was meant to be the trustworthy one."
But that's me. Perhaps it's not for others. Perhaps they take my opinion, perhaps they don't, maybe they trust me, maybe they take it all with a grain of salt. I don't know. And the pressure is mounting. I realize I may have been projecting a vision of who I was all along, without even knowing it. I see that in all my efforts to open up, to trust others, to be willing to take all the risk involved, I was stating something else with it that never occurred to me.
I was trusted.
And this revelation startled me. To the core.
They don't know me well enough, I don't have the answers, I am unsure. Down deep aren't we all? And somehow I have sent out another person, a new woman for the world to see. Someone who I barely recognize.
They trust me. Why in the world would they trust me, of all people. Don't they know I can hurt them? Don't they know, with their trust, I can strip them down? Don't they know, that with that fragile virtue I have so earnestly tried to attain, I can defile them as I was, years and years ago?
The realization of being worthy of trust has weighted me these past few days.
Is this the next step of the process? Have I let something go in order to trust others, that has led to this next piece of the puzzle...the possibility of trusting self? The possibility of worthiness of others trust. The acceptance of real and lasting relationships that go beyond the safety and security of my happy and peaceful home.
How I regret the past couple of years. It has forced a thousand lessons in self-evaluation, that I am exhausted at how God seems to demand so much. Why. Why does He demand so much.
He demands so much of us all. It's true, He does. All the time. I suppose I had the sting of realizing I have taken measures over the past years in order to serve those demands....and my ego steps in and states in no uncertain terms, "Why ME! Why isn't it someone elses' turn for a change. Why do I have to be the adult in the situation, why do I have to be the bigger person, why do I have to change and learn, all the while, see around me temper tantrums of grown men and women! Explain! Explain!"
In making my own demands, after God has made his known time and time again, I had an answer to my frustration, I got my answer, which even now, stifles my ego, cuts me off, and quiets my tongue and anger.
It was a clear and unmistakable light of truth in the dark, bleak hole of self-pity.
Yes, dear woman, you can act like those others. You can stomp your feet, have your emotional tantrums, you can do all that. You, like everyone else, has a free will to do such things. Why is it different for you? Why can't you engage in that kind of mischief? Because you want change for yourself. You want something they don't. They are comfortable, and you aren't. You aren't satisfied with letting restraint go, and hurting others in the process. It is exactly the reason you have been hurt in the manner that you have been hurt - that you can see breaking down and resorting to these tactics would never do for you, for if you did, you'd lose the trustworthiness you've been striving for all along.
You want change, you want something better and different that a loss of self-control. It hurts others, as it had hurt you. You remember it so clearly, someone's loss of self restraint, how it hurt, and how trust is never quite restored.
Now, I get it. In this great privilege, yes I still see it this way, to be a trusted individual in the eyes of others, bears great responsibility. As others of my youth never allowed great trust to challenge them to even greater responsibility....I have been asked on different course, another way. Rise to the level I am meant to attain. Rise, woman, rise. Treat other's trust as I wished someone had respected mine of years past. Respect their trust as an honor, not one to mistreat, mishandle or be irresponsible with. I see where he is demanding now. I see it. And I am not the little girl of years ago.
I am a woman who can't be afraid anymore. I am not afraid of where God will lead me now, as I can see, He hopes for an entirely new person to be formed, freed of the sinful chains that divide, choke and destroy.
Lord, I pray I may be worthy of others’ trust in me. I pray that I take each and every step in order to be responsible with that precious, precious gift others have given to me. Help me each and every day to be unafraid, that you'll be there, Lord, you'll show me, how to resolve the past that still lingers.
Copyright 2013 Sahmatwork
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