A Clean Slate

Charlene Rack shares her history of struggle with going to Confession, with the hope that it might help and encourage someone.

It’s a new calendar year, when folks make great plans and promises to start over. These resolutions often include healthier living, paying down debts, and other worldly concerns. However, as Catholics, we have the amazing opportunity to wipe the slate clean as often as needed, by way of the sacrament of Penance and Reconciliation.

I humbly admit that I’ve struggled through the years with sacramental Confession. I grew up in a Protestant church. They preached a lot on repentance. Every time we had services, there was an altar call. Sometimes people went forward to kneel and pray. (As a child, I never “felt called.”)

Fast-forward to my early years of marriage (to an inactive Catholic), when we weren’t attending any church, then, I felt called, to get back to regular worship! I suggested a compromise to my husband with alternating churches, Catholic and Baptist. That didn’t work. Even though my husband was poorly catechized, he wouldn’t settle for anything other than the Catholic Church. So I said, (as I rolled my eyes), “If I have to go to a Catholic Mass every Sunday, just so you and I can worship together, then that’s what I’ll do!”

And before long, the Holy Spirit called me even deeper, placed in my heart a longing to receive Christ in the Holy Eucharist. This was in 1984, one year before RCIA started in our Archdiocese, so I did one-on-one instruction with our pastor. Within three months of my request, I was received into the Catholic Church, with my First Holy Communion and Confirmation during a regular Sunday Mass. The priest never mentioned that I should go to Confession before that date, so I didn’t. It makes me sad to recall that now, but I didn’t know better. I have friends the same age as I who’ve told me that they actually thought the Church had done away with Confession in the early 1980’s, so I no longer feel culpable for that egregious omission (which I’ve since taken to the confessional).

Unfortunately though, that early attitude of ignoring sacramental confession had been established. Maybe thrice, while on retreats, I took advantage of the opportunity. I was stuck with the understanding that I could carry my sins directly to Christ, and lay them at His feet, that I didn’t need anybody to be my “go-between.” I was painfully unaware of the tremendous grace of this sacrament (which I was missing out on!).

crucifix next to stained glass window

Later, with children in Catholic school, the oldest preparing to receive First Communion, I learned more about Penance and Reconciliation. However, things were still topsy-turvy as far as Confession was concerned. At our parish, they didn’t provide preparation for First Confession until the fourth grade, even though First Communion happened during second grade. By then, we were doing our own research about what was proper and good, so we took our oldest daughter to confession before she received the Holy Eucharist.

This was also when I formed a habit of Confession, because I humbly realized that I couldn’t neglect something that I was requiring regularly of my children. My girls and I always went to confession together after that. Then our new homeschooling friends shared their wisdom and family traditions. (My favorite was a firmly scheduled, once a month family trip to the confessional, followed by an ice cream party at home, to celebrate the gift of a clean soul!).

Over the years, my road to acceptance of Confession continued to be a minor struggle. Now, as an empty nester, I have to write it on my monthly calendar, or else I’ll forget. Sometimes life gets crazy I’ll lose track, and suddenly, it’s been two months since my last Confession.

I have, at least, assimilated a much greater love for the sacrament of Penance and Reconciliation. I’m called there time and time again. But still, I sometimes head off to confession with butterflies in my stomach. I won’t let that stop me! I still strive for a monthly examination of conscience, followed by sacramental Confession, because I know I must take full advantage of all avenues of sacramental grace (and especially in the case of any grave sin!).

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If you can’t remember the last time you’ve been to Confession, go today, and start a practice of regular Confession. #catholicmom

This new year, my goal is to gain an even greater appreciation of the Sacrament of Penance and Reconciliation by reading books like The Sacraments, by Fr. Matthew Kauth (Saint Benedict Press 2018), from which the following quote was taken:

Like iron fillings to a magnet, we are drawn to Christ crucified because our sins are drawn. He assumed the sins of the world, drank freely of them, offered them in His body on the cross, and returned what He took from us in the form of saving blood.

If you can’t remember the last time you’ve been to Confession, go today, and start a practice of regular Confession. Soak up all that healing grace into your soul, and bask joyfully in the gifts of forgiveness and grace.

San Damiano cross